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Back to School 3001 PDF Print E-mail
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 04 September 2001 18:00
“All right, children, settle down. I know it’s been a long summer, but we need to get back to work now. Everyone turn down your voice-simulation devices and reconnect your seating modules. And Tommy 2X, stop eating that semiconductor paste. ”

“Ms. Frances! Ms. Frances!”

“What is it, Jennifer 4Y?”

“Billy 24Z keeps pulling my hair and saying I have a chromium deficiency.”

“Stop that, Billy, or I’ll take away your holograms.”

“But Jennifer called me a mutant life form and made fun of my third eye!”

“Do you want me to send you down to the principal’s office again?”

“No ... ”

“All right, then.”

“Ms. Frances! I need to go to the waste-elimination quadrant.”

“Fine, but hurry up and come right back.”

“Can Mary Alice 7Q come with me?”

“No. Go by yourself. And remember to use the hygiene synthesizer.”

“Ms. Frances! Ms. Frances!”

“What is it now, Pamela 9K2?”

“Jimmy 242HB is morphing again!”

“Jimmy, I told you before – no morphing indoors. Wait until recess.”

“But – ”

“No buts! Now, we’re wasting valuable time. And before I get started with your lesson, the Supreme Council has mandated quite a few policy changes this year that we need to go over. To begin with, there’s a new dress code. Each of you is limited to just 15 pierced body parts and 20 tattoos – and only five of them can be obscene. And Tiffany 3XD, you are completely naked. That’s not allowed.”

“But, Ms. Frances, I’m just undressing like Britney Elvis Liberace does.”

“She’s a pop star; you’re in school. Tomorrow, wear shoes. And Victor 4X, take off that prosthetic head right now.”

“But Ms. Frances – ”

“Hush! Now, I hope you brought all the school supplies that were on the list from home.”

“Ms. Frances, my parental role models said they can’t afford a new gas spectrometer every year.”

“Then you’ll just have to use someone else’s.”

“And they want to know why we need three lasers this semester.”

“Because we do, that’s why. And please remind them to check your homework. The Supreme Council is doing away with social promotions, and if you get held back again, that will make 12 straight years.”

“Ms. Frances, Johnny 5DB just vaporized again!”

“Johnny, stop that immediately! You’re even making me dizzy. Now, will all of you children, please settle down. And before I forget, you’ll have a robotic substitute educator starting next week.”

“What about you, Ms. Frances?”

“I going to get my DNA reconfigured. But I should be back by October unless the intergalactic waveform is intermittent.”

“Can we have choosing time again?”

“Absolutely not! I’ve already uploaded chapter 4.1 of Captain Underpants & Other 21st Century Literature. And this time, behave yourselves. No funny business like last time when someone increased the virtual memory until it caught fire.”

“Ms. Frances, can I go to the waste-elimination quadrant again?”

“No! Now, the Supreme Council has chosen a curriculum designed to help you find a career once you’re out there in the real solar system. So, we’ll be studying Advanced Palm Pilot Repair and Theory of Convenience Foods.”

“But Ms. Frances, that’s baby stuff! We’re in fourth grade now.”

“I know, but the Supreme Council is on a back-to-basics kick. Speaking of which, we’re also going to be studying New Math.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s using numbers without a computer or piezoelectric abacus. For example, does anyone know what two plus two equals?”

“I know! I know!”

“Sara 69X, you know everything.”

“I was home-schooled when we lived on Pluto.”

“I see. Anyone else? Come on, two plus two. Adam?”


“Not quite. Peter?”


“No. two plus two! Anybody?”

“Negative 13?”

“Six and seven-eighths?”

“The Ottoman Empire?”

Enough! All right, let’s take a break. But I can see we have some work to do before those standardized tests.”

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN (AM Radio 720) E-mail and listen via Internet at (http://www/
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