Count Me In Print
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 21 November 2000 18:00
“All right. Here we go again.” “Ready?” “Yep.” “One for Gore-Lieberman.” “Gore-Lieberman. One.” “One for Bush-Cheney.” “One for Bush-Cheney. Got it.” “One for Cheney, but not Bush. ”

“Cheney, no Bush, check.”

“One for Gore and Buchanan, plus he drew a picture of Harry Browne.”

“That stack over there.”

“Three for Lieberman only.”

“Got ’em.”

“Here’s two stuck together for Reagan-Bush.”

“Check.”

“One write-in for Strom Thurmond.”

“New pile.”

“My hands are killing me.”

“Tell me about it. I already wore out two pairs of Playtex.”

“Three for Nader. This is all their fault.”

“Fourteen, fifteen, sixty. Sixty-one. I have such a headache.”

“It’s all this chad in the air. My sinuses are like glue.”

“Is this a dimple for Gore?”

“Lemme see. Hold it up to the light.”

“We’re not supposed to count the dimples for Gore. Just the holes.”

“No. They changed that. We are counting the dimples for Gore.”

“We are? You sure? But not the scratches for Bush.”

“Right. Wait a minute. Was that a hanging-door chad or swinging-door chad?”

“Is this a staple hole or Ross Perot?”

“You know what I heard? Bush’s people are saying these little bits of paper jump out all by themselves if you keep handling these ballots too much.”

“I believe it. We’re all going to come down with respiratory infections.”

“God, they are filthy. What is this, barbecue sauce? How many times can you count these?”

“Olivia took a bunch home to make potholders with. She’s so creative.”

“I’ll tell you one thing, I have bowling tonight. Thursday nights I put in a casserole for Harry and I’m off like a prom dress. One thousand one. Ten thousand two.”

“What’s the latest?”

“That secretary of state. The one with the hair. She said no more recounts.”

“She’s going to be ambassador or something if Bush gets in.”

“But some other court said we have to keep going.”

“I’m telling you, I have bowling tonight.”

“Gore said this is a time to respect every voter and every vote.”

“I have paper cuts like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Fiddlesticks! I lost count again.”

“Just say ‘528.’ If anybody asks me anything I just say, ‘528.’”

“Bernice, you have some chad hanging from your nose there.”

“Oh, no! Did I get it?”

“Almost.”

“I must have been crazy to sign up for this. Never trust a bulletin board.”

“Hey, everybody! We just found another ten boxes of ballots in the back of the U-Haul.”

“Wait a minute! Didn’t we already count those?”

“Shouldn’t we just wait for those ballots from overseas?”

“I’m telling you, I have bowling tonight.”

“I’ll just set them here. How’s the count going?”

“Bush is up by, uh, 528.”

“Keep us posted.”

“I wish they’d turn off those TV cameras for a minute so I could adjust my girdle.”

“My rear end is completely numb. Okay, one for Bush.”

“One for Gore.”

“Write-in for Guy Lombardo.”

“New pile.”

Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.