Court TV Print
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 13 February 2001 18:00
“Oyez, oyez, oyez. All persons having business here, give your name to that guy in the khaki pants. The rest of you, rise and shine. This court is now in session, Judge Kenesaw Mountain John Landis presiding. First case: Stacey Stillman v. Those Sleazy Guys at CBS who Rigged Survivor. This looks like a weird one, judge.”

“Dammit, bailiff, I have tickets to Cats tonight. What’s it all about?”

“Dunno, your honor. Some TV show. Me and the missus haven’t watched much since Ed Sullivan went off.”

“I don’t own a set. Ruins your eyesight.”

“Excuse me, your honor. Johnnie Cochran, counsel for plaintiff.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere. Proceed, counselor, and make it snappy. I want to get out of here by 5.”

“Stacey is suing for fraud and breach of contract. She says the show was fixed by producer Mark Burnett, who persuaded two guys to vote her off the island instead of Rudy because the network thought they’d get in trouble if the old people were the first ones to go. The plaintiff also swears that she — quote — ‘was, like, mortified when they put out my torch.’”

“‘Voted off the island’? ‘Put out my torch’? Counselor, what is this gibberish?”

“You see, the tribal council...”

“Tribal council? I thought this was a television program.”

“Yes, your honor. Well, actually, it was a game show where the contestants caught rats and ate beetle larvae and—”

“Are you trying to fool around with this court? I’ll hold you in contempt.”

“No, your honor. You see, there was this group of people who were half naked on this island. In fact, the guy who won was completely naked, so—”

“That’s it! Bailiff, mace this man and take him away.”

“Excuse me, your honor. Pat Peters, counsel for the nice folks at CBS and all their subsidiaries and codefendants. We deny all this happened, and we’d like to call Dirk Been, one of the guys Burnett allegedly leaned on.”

“All right, Mr. Been, put your hand on the Bible.”

“No problem. Brought my own.”

“Do you solemnly swear that these characters didn’t want you to give Stacey the heave-ho as part of some deal?”

“No comment.”

“You can’t answer ‘no comment’ in court.”

“I can’t? Are you sure?”

“Objection, your honor!”

“Who are you?”

“Counsel for the Survivor-Addicted TV Watchers of America, judge. My clients gave up a year of their lives for this show and some of them still can’t get up off their couches. Now, it turns out they were conned by a bunch of sleazy TV executives. This is as bad as those ’50s quiz shows. We’re filing a class-action suit, and we want to call the other guy Burnett got to, the star of Extra! — and a real hunk — Sean Kenniff.”

“All right, Sean, what did Burnett say?”

“He just said, ‘Vote your conscience.’”

“Did he say anything after that?”

“Something like, ‘And if you have a conscience, you’ll get that gold-plated pain in the butt out of here as quick as possible.’”

“Objection!”

“Wait a minute! Who are you?”

“Richard Hatch, your honor. You probably don’t recognize me with clothes on. I’m here to testify for Stacey. It’s true. It was rigged. They’re all a bunch of bums. They said if I’d walk around naked and act like an idiot, they’d make me a star and give me a sitcom, Everybody Loves Richard. But they screwed me. All I got was some grand openings and a week on Hollywood Squares.”

“Objection!”

“Now, who are you?”

“Geraldo Rivera, your honor. Do you mind if we set up a camera right under your robes? We think this will be bigger than OJ.”

“That’s it! Bailiff, put all these people in handcuffs.”

“Great idea. And I’ll stand over here with my microphone. Gosh, this is a lucky break. They were about to replace us with Extreme Golf.”

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com. Coming soon: newsjunkie.net.
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