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Covering the Bases PDF Print E-mail
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 05 December 2000 18:00
(click) “...you’re watching MSNBCNN.com, where our catchy graphic shows that both presidential candidates are scheduled to make a statement at 9pm Eastern Time tonight, just a few minutes from now...” (click) “Good evening, my fellow Americans. It’s President-elect George W. Bush — boy, I sure do like the sound of that — coming to you live from Austin, Texas, tonight, where the polls say we won this election fair and square. I’m sick of all those pencil-pushing chad-counters, and I know you are, too. So let me read my Cabinet appointments to you right now, no matter what those Eastern liberals on the Supreme Court have to say, and you’ll notice that I’m really clenching my teeth these days to show I mean business...”

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“...good evening, fellow citizens, it’s Vice President Al Gore here in my back yard again, and although a lot of you think I’m selfishly tearing the country apart at this point, just remember that we’re talking about 500 votes here, and I may be a wimpy guy who makes dryer lint look interesting, but I’m not stupid. And don’t forget that we did win the popular vote, so while we run a few columns through the ol’ woodchopper one more time, let me tell you a little story about The Little Engine That Could...”

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“...Dick Cheney and I were ahead on election night, we were ahead the day after election night, we were ahead the day after the first recount and the day after the second recount and even when that left-wing S.O.B. Dan Rather said we were behind...”

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“...first, we’re going to contest all the Florida counties. Yup, all 67. Then, to ensure a full and accurate count, we’re going door-to-door asking, ‘Do you think you might have meant to vote for Gore/Lieberman or anyone that sounded like that? If so, then hold up a finger, or try to blink once...”

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“...to ensure national security, members of the Texas Rangers will be taking up positions around the White House as the army escorts me in. That’s the state police, by the way, not the baseball team...”

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“...now, let’s look at scenario number 14. ‘What if Denny Hastert asks me to be president?’ Well, in that case I would certainly be glad to...”

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“...I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Junior Bush, do solemnly swear to uphold, defend, protect, preserve, support, and read up on...”

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“...I, Albert ‘Sparky’ Gore, being of sound mind and body, do solemnly promise that I will — Tipper, hold that Bible up a little more, will you?”

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“...I, William Jefferson Clinton, having already been president for eight years, have no problem sticking around for a few more months if the country really needs me, Larry, and as a matter of fact...”

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“...Sarah, let me talk to Aint Bea. Barney’s done shot himself in the foot agin...”

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Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.
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