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Entering the Brain-Free Zone PDF Print E-mail
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Wednesday, 30 April 2008 02:52
Seventeen-year-old Amon Schute is social drek. He's sneering, jeering, and hateful. He proves it with ostentatious displays of filthy jeans, long, matted hair, body piercings, and tattoos.
He's exactly the kind of kid you'd expect to spend his entire adult life in lockup.
Sixteen-year-old Coy Minyon is a social cipher. He's weak, meek, and fearful. He proves it with a timorous mask of ultra-conservative clothing, neatly groomed hair, unobtrusive appearance, and a permanent muted existence that makes him invisible to the world.
He's exactly the kind of kid you'd expect to spend his entire adult life in total obscurity.
Amon and Coy are best friends.
Together they plan to gun down a bunch of people in a public place and then off themselves in a blaze of everlasting glory. "This is gonna be, like, so cool, dude," Amon chortles while fondling his bagful of 15-round .357 Glock magazines. "We got our nine-millimeter semi-auto rifles with laser scopes, our 12-gauge double-barreled pump-action shotguns, and our Tec-9s. C'mon, grab your gear and let's head on down to the school."
"Geez, Amon, you know there's a half-mile-wide Gun-Free Zone all around Failed Public High School, don't you? The Gun-Free School Zones act of 1994 made it illegal for young mass murderers like us to carry weapons into a school so we can end our own lives with a dramatic killing spree."
"Okay, Okay! Let's go over to Eminent Domain Shopping Mall and mow down a bunch of people there."
"Uh, see, they have these signs posted that say, 'This Is A Gun-Free Zone.'"
"Dude, this is getting boring. How 'bout shootin' up a church?"
"I'm really sorry, Amon, but it's like the same thing there. They put up these signs that say No Firearms Allowed."
"So who's writing all these freakin' laws and signs anyway?"
"Well, y'know, it's like all those terrified liberal anti-gun nuts who think that all the world's problems can be solved by writing laws on pieces of paper."
"But Coy, people shoot up people in Gun-Free Zones all the time!"
Coy shrugs.
"So if these Gun-Free Zones don't stop people from shootin' people, why do they have Gun-Free Zones?"
"I guess that's why some people call them Brain-Free Zones."
"So let's just ignore the freakin' signs and laws and go ahead and have our murderous rampage!"
"Uh, okay, but we have to watch out for those other people."
"What other people?"
"Oh, the conservatives and constitutionalists and libertarians and any other honest people who have guns because they believe in the right to defend themselves."
"You mean we might get shot by a bunch of gun nuts if we try to shoot people?"
"Okay then, let's go to the neighborhoods where those terrified liberal anti-gun nuts live and shoot up their families. They won't have any guns in their homes, right? We'll just look for the signs on their lawns that say, 'This Is a Gun-Free House.'"
"Amon, they're terrified of guns but they're not stupid. They don't live by the rules they make for everyone else. They'd never put Gun-Free Zone signs on their own property."
Amon struggles to think.
"Like, Dude, you mean we can just walk right into any old place they call a Gun-Free Zone or where they put up those 'No Gun' signs and, like, just shoot up the whole freakin' place, but if some hard-ass solid-citizen-type geek is packin' a pistol where the liberal anti-gun nuts say he can't, the guy can, like, drop us in our tracks and ruin all our fun before we even get a good start?"
"Yeah," Coy nods. "It's like the gun nuts are protecting the anti-gun nuts."
Amon thinks hard again.
"C'mon, Coy, let's put this stuff away and get to school. Ms. Bookbagg will send us to detention if we're late."
Garry Reed is a longtime advocate of the libertarian philosophy of non-coercion that espouses personal autonomy and individual responsibility, civil rights and economic liberty, maximum freedom and minimum government. His website is ( ).
Comments (4)Add Comment
written by Rocky Frisco, May 01, 2008
As a comment on the excellent satirical article above, here's a section from my Liberty Page:
High Schools didn't used to be gun-free zones. They also weren't venues of choice for massacres. Wonder if these facts are somehow related.
written by michael callahan, May 01, 2008
You should carry a bomb on an airplane.
You see, the chances of there being one bomb are incredibly small; the chances of there being two must be infinitely smaller.

(Stolen from Laurie Anderson)
written by Jim, May 02, 2008
Very nice. I raise a drink to those who are looking to get rid of the Brain-Free Zones by, uh, filling them with brains! Mahalo.
written by Marc, May 04, 2008
The answer is to make the entire country a gun free zone. I've heard that in England the strategy has been deemed beneficial - by thugs.

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