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Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 24 July 2001 18:00
“Welcome to another edition of Blowhard Roundtable – the fast-moving, hard-hitting, fist-banging program where Washington insiders shout at each other while you just sit there and listen.” “That’s right, Fred. And tonight’s topic is a real nail-biter – ‘FBI or IRS: Who’s More Screwed Up?’ Along with our regular panel, we also have some special guests. On my right, Senator Beauregard Wooster, chairman of the Permanent Joint Subcommittee on Embarrassing Incompetence; on my left, Temporary Acting Interim Assistant FBI Director During Daylight Hours Orville ‘Buzz’ Brindle; and on my other left, Albert M. Grundy, Undersecretary of the Treasury for Authorized Explanations. Senator Wooster, let’s start with you.”

“I’d like to ask Undersecretary Grundy about the investigation of IRS walk-in centers that came out this week, the one that found taxpayers got bad advice 73 percent of the time.”

“Which is an improvement, Senator. That’s down from 81 percent just last year.”

“It turned out that of 90 questions about tax law, 61 were answered wrong.”

“That makes 29 right, doesn’t it? If this were baseball, we’d be batting .322.”

“According to your own IRS commissioner, ‘Employees consistently provided incorrect and insufficient answers to our questions nationwide.’”

“Note the key word there: consistent.”

“They also found employees being rude, people having to wait, and one taxpayer being told to come back some other time because they weren’t answering questions that day.”

“You want to complain? Take a number.”

“Mr. Grundy, we’re considering a proposal that would change IRS from ‘Internal Revenue Service’ to ‘I’m Really Stupid.’”

“No comment.”

“Senator, how about a question for FBI Agent Brindle?”

“Fine. What’s with that report this week saying 449 FBI weapons have turned up missing? Everything from pistols to rifles to submachine guns – 449 dangerous weapons you guys can’t find.”

Only 449 – that’s a drop in the bucket. Lemme tell you, there’s plenty more where those came from. I’m packing two Lugers right now, and I got a derringer in my underwear.”

“Not to mention you also lost a whole bunch of computers. One hundred eighty-four FBI laptops stolen or missing – and some of those computers have classified information on them.”

“No big deal, believe me. You know how it is – long nights, some guy trying to stay awake on a stake-out. Starts surfing the Net to get a look at Jennifer Lopez in her birthday suit, and before you know it, somebody dumps a cup of coffee on the keyboard.”

“Agent Brindle, the American people are running out of patience with your bureau’s mistakes! You lost the paperwork on Timothy McVeigh, you didn’t know Robert Hanssen was spying for the Russians, you even managed to incinerate half of Waco on national TV.”

“Oh, now that one coulda happened to anybody. C’mon, how were we supposed to know that ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ meant the same thing?”

“Scandal after scandal! I’m starting to wish we could bring back J. Edgar Hoover.”

“Hey, there’s an idea. Talk about a guy who never lost a paper clip. Real good on phone taps, too.”

“I was being facetious.”

“I heard he’s still frozen in the basement – all they gotta do is replace the body fluids, and he’s ready to go.”

“I give up! Mr. Grundy, what’s the IRS planning to do to clean up its act?”

“We’re sending everything to H&R Block.”

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com. Coming soon: (http://www.newsjunkie.net).
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