Hollywood Star Snitcher Print
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Wednesday, 03 September 2008 02:34

Why do so many Hollywood stars turn into Marx-huggers when it comes to politics?

Some believe it's embedded in their DNA. Entertainers are professional emoters. People who emote for a living tend to see the whole world through their emotions. Cry for the camera; cry for "social justice." Moan for the microphone; moan for "equality of outcome." Mug for an audience; mug for "welfare rights."

Others contend that they all live in Airheadsville.

To get to the bottom of this mysterious phenomenon, ace scoop snooper Poppy Rhattzi of the Hollywood Star Snitcher tabloid was assigned to go undercover and follow, spy on, photograph, and relentlessly stalk Movieland's newest starlet, Castine Couche. Here is her report.

Hello, Dear Reader. I'm the much-celebrated, award-winning Queen of the Screenland scandal sheets, Poppy Rhattzi.

First, let's do a little dirt-digging to get the lowdown on Castine Couche's background.

Fresh from her triumphant debuting role on the TV series Slime Seen Investigators in which she played a decaying headless corpse, the ingénue marched confidently into a Rodeo Drive haute couture boutique and confronted Madam Tousle-Ratznest, Mane Mistress of Movietown. Not knowing that her pop-star singing idol had just hacked off all of her hair the day before, the ingénue confidently declared, "I want to look just like Britney Spears."

The Coifmaster promptly buzzed her bald and charged her $400 for her hirsute handiwork.

The distressed and untressed starlet has not been seen at the studio cattle calls since.

Today, using all of my many and sordid behind-the-scenery contacts, I was able to track down dear little Castine's personal cell-phone number. She wouldn't agree to an interview until I threatened to publicly out her about her "anonymously released" sex tape. Hint: That wasn't Brad Pitt she was doing it with like she claims it was.

Now here's my wonderful exclusive interview eith Castine Couche.

Me: Who do you want for president?

Castine: Well, duh, Hillary of course.

Me: But Hillary Clinton is no longer in the running to be president.

Castine: Who? I don't know any Clinton. I'm talking about Hillary Duff.

Me: Okay, why do you think Hillary Duff would make a good president?

Castine: Because she's, you know, cute and perky and stuff and like she would look really really good on like a stamp or a dollar bill and like that.

Me: You don't like Republicans?

Castine: They're, like, old people. My Gramma is a Republi can.

Me: What about libertarians?

Castine: Well, my gramma, she liked Liberace but I haven't listened to the Libertarians. Are they hip-hop? I've heard they're way cool.

Me: What do you stand for politically?

Castine: Like, you know, I'm against world hunger and for world peace and like that.

Me: What do you think people should do about world hunger?

Castine: I think that we should all, like you know, adopt a hungry baby from one of those poor foreign countries like, well, Hungary for sure, or like Tasmania or, you know, Nebraska.

Me: How would you go about achieving world peace?

Castine: Duh! Just make people stop fighting.

Me: How can we do that?

Castine: We should just make a worldwide Peace Army and make everyone like not fight.

Me: But wouldn't a Peace Army cost millions of dollars? Who's going to pay for that?

Castine: Duh again. The government, of course. I mean, if the government doesn't do it the poor taxpayers will probably end up paying for it.

Me: You know that makes no sense, right?

Castine: But I'm compassionate and well-meaning.

Me: When liberals say "compassionate," they mean that big ugly government should use itscoercive taxing powers to take money from honest, hard-working people who legitimately earned it and give it to people who didn't. What's "compassionate" about that?

Castine: But it's still well-meaning, right?

This is Poppy Rhattzi reporting from Airheadsville.

Garry Reed is a longtime advocate of the libertarian philosophy of non-coercion that espouses personal autonomy and individual responsibility, civil rights and economic liberty, maximum freedom and minimum government. His website is FreeCannon.com .

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