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Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Tuesday, 11 September 2001 18:00
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Dear doctor(s):
All right, I’ll give it a try. So, here’s the situation. My husband was laid off from his job recently, and he didn’t have much to do except lie around and watch TV. He started tuning in to those political news shows on cable, and now I think he’s getting addicted. I mean, he’s glued to this stuff all day long. Geraldo, Hannity &Colmes, that guy on Hardball; he even watches Bill O’Reilly twice. We have no life anymore. For the past month, all he wants to talk about is Gary Condit. He even made me sit through that stupid interview with Connie Chung. And then he asks me, “So what do you think?” And I said, “Connie Chung? Are they kidding? Weren’t the Olson twins available?” Now he’s mad. I’m at the end of my rope.

Dear Mrs. (name withheld):
Are you sure you’re not overreacting? Sounds pretty minor to me. If I were you, I’d be glad he’s not shoplifting at the mall or walking around in women’s clothing. I’d say, give it some time.

Dear doctor(s):
You don’t understand. I can’t get this guy off the couch. And now, he’s starting to get paranoid, too. He heard on the news that the government has been developing some kind of secret germ-warfare program, so he nailed our windows shut and put masking tape around the doors. So I said, “Lighten up. The way things are going at the Pentagon these days, they’d be lucky to give somebody a bad cold.” Now, he won’t talk to me at all.

Dear Mrs. (name withheld):
That may be a blessing in disguise. The main thing is, don’t lose your sense of humor.

Dear doctor(s):
Sense of humor? Listen to this. He’s up all night watching this marathon about the Eurodollar on C-SPAN, and how the countries can’t agree about whom to put on the money. So I said, “Let me guess. The Italians wanted Da Vinci, the Germans wanted Beethoven, and the French wanted Jerry Lewis.” Now, don’t you think that’s funny? Not him. He told me if I couldn’t take world affairs seriously, he’d start sleeping in the basement.

Dear Mrs. (name withheld):
Sounds like it’s just an unhealthy fixation. Have you tried switching channels?

Dear doctor(s):
Didn’t work. The other night I got him to put on some new reality show, Amazing Race. Unfortunately, the biggest moment of suspense was when the contestants couldn’t find a working pay phone. When I came back from the commercial, he had Fox News on and said he just caught Bush in another whopper about the economy.

Dear (name withheld):
Have you thought about trying to distract him in, you know, an erotic sort of way? Often, a spouse can renew her partner’s interest by planning a romantic evening. We publish some very helpful books. And we accept VISA or MasterCard.

Dear doctor(s):
You think I haven’t tried that? One night I paraded around the living room wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. You know what he said? “Get out of the way; I’m trying to get a better look at Janet Reno.”

Dear (name withheld):
To be perfectly honest, I’m stumped. Let’s just hope he finds some work soon.

Dear doctor(s):
Too late. The company called and offered him his old job back, but he said he couldn’t commit until the Justice Department straightened out this Microsoft thing.

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW’s on WGN Radio (AM 720) Chicago. E-mail and listen via Internet at (http://www.wgnradio.com).
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