COYOTE UGLY and THE REPLACEMENTS

Most genre flicks in the ’80s were pretty crummy, but what absolutely terrifies me is that now, on the verge of a new millennium, we’re actually being presented with homages to the crummy movies of that decade: Coyote Ugly, from uber-producer Jerry Bruckheimer, is a nod to the Jerry-produced smash Flashdance, and The Replacements is a paean to professional-doofus sports movies like Major League and Necessary Roughness, with Gene Hackman on hand to remind us of the coach he played in 1986’s Hoosiers.

SPACE COWBOYS

There’s so much goodwill invested in Clint Eastwood’s Space Cowboys, mostly stemming from its venerable and accomplished cast, that I feel like a killjoy for saying that the movie itself is really mediocre.

NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS

You know exactly what you’re going to get out of Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, and for the most part, that’s a good thing. As the title indicates, the movie is more spin-off than sequel, as Eddie Murphy gives life to the Klumps, the vivacious and often beyond-vulgar kin to Sherman Klump, the obese genetics professor of the 1996 film.

WHAT LIES BENEATH

As far as I can tell, the only people who might enjoy Robert Zemeckis’ supernatural thriller What Lies Beneath are the ones that haven’t yet seen its trailer, but I’m not sure if anyone qualifies anymore. That’s not just because the omnipresent trailer gives away far too many plot twists, but seeing the preview makes watching the entire first hour of the film pointless. Movie trailers have been getting worse and worse about providing too much information; this is the first time they came close to spoiling an entire movie for me.

X-MEN

Movie reviewers kill me sometimes. The same critics who raved about the "kinetic thrill-ride" that was the senseless Mission: Impossible 2 and who called the ridiculous The Patriot "passionate and engrossing" are now turning up their noses at Bryan Singer’s X-Men adaptation. According to most news sources, the movie is portentous, under-plotted, filled with too many characters (or, for X-Men fans, too few), and serves as nothing but the setup film for an obvious franchise.