You're listening to WIMP radio, 9.11 on your dial, the All Threat All the Time station where our programming format aims to keep everyone in a perpetual state of fear. So stay in bed and pull the covers up over your heads.
Here are the most important Threat Levels for today:
Homeland Security Terrorist Alert Threat Level is High Anxiety Orange.
Air Quality Pollution & Airborne Allergen Particulate Hacking & Coughing Threat Warning is Mucus Green.
Morning Rush Hour Drive Time Bumper Bender & Rear Ender Threat Level is Body Rust Brown.
Downtown Restaurant Lunchtime Seating Capacity Threat Level is Salad Green.
Piddlyboro Elementary School Kindergarten Running with Scissors Threat Level is Clown-Costume Polka-Dot Blue.
And later this afternoon, the Happy Hour Hot Spot Stupid Pickup Line Threat Warning is Angry Non-Repeatable Rejection Prose Purple.
Now for the Nervous News at Nine.
A bomb scare in Piddlyboro, Vermont. Police, sheriff's department, state troopers, SWAT teams, bomb squads, FBI, BATFE, Homeland Security, National Guard units, and the town dogcatcher converged on a "suspicious brown paper bag" left unattended in front of Mother McRaggedy's Second Hand Store on Main Street. Following a six-hour standoff, a $190,000 remote-controlled ordnance-disposal robot was sent in. The bag contained an empty Mad Dog 20/20 wine bottle, left there the night before by Elmer Swilling, the town wino and dogcatcher.
Grumbly Freehold, the county's only self-professed libertarian, later questioned why a Middle Eastern terrorist would want to blow up Mother McRaggedy's Second Hand Store in the first place. Or how they ever would have heard of Piddlyboro. Or Vermont.
Still, it's possible. So stay in bed. Stay under the covers.
Next item. The TSA has announced plans to extend its wet security blanket over all taxis in New York, Boston, Philadelphia, and Piddlyboro, Vermont.
TSA agents will ride "shotgun" in the front seats of all cabs, but will not be allowed to carry anything more powerful than .357 Magnums, stun guns, cattle prods, butterfly knives, and brass knuckles. These weapons are to be reserved exclusively for use against mildly resistant or sarcastic taxi patrons.
The TSA, or Taxicab Strip-search Authoritarians, will screen all potential riders with metal-detector hand wands and a new profiling technique - taught at the TSA Bureau of Intimidation in Quantico - known as "the evil eye."
All boarding rules that apply to commercial airliners will apply to taxis, with the following additions.
One: Shoes, umbrellas, metal wristwatch bands, banana hair clips, long pendulous earrings, and anything even remotely pointy-shaped that might make the TSA agent nervous must be stowed in the trunk.
Two: Anything edible, drinkable, or smokeable that appeals to the TSA agent must be immediately surrendered to the TSA agent.
Three: No talking, touching, elbow-poking, squirming, crossing the imaginary line between the two sides of the backseat, or asking "Are we there yet?" for the duration of the trip. Sit up straight!
The new TSA operation will be paid for by a $50-per-person surcharge on all fares.
And this social note: When tipping the cabbie, it is currently fashionable to tip the TSA agent 15 percent as well. Or else.
Or, you could just stay in bed. Stay under the covers.
An unnamed libertarian weekly-newspaper pundit recently asked why anyone would think that staying in bed with the covers pulled up would make a person any safer from terrorists when the chances of being struck by lightning are greater than being harmed by a terrorist.
Fortunately, our WIMP listeners know why.
The current Nationwide Lightening Strike Threat Level is Highlighter Fluorescent Yellow.
Stay in bed.
Stay under the covers.
More of Garry Reed's writing can be found at (http://www.freecannon.com).
