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What's Your Political Sign? PDF Print E-mail
Commentary/Politics - Guest Commentaries
Written by Garry Reed   
Wednesday, 10 September 2008 05:40
In this Year of National Elections, this political horoscope is presented as a public service in an effort to successfully plot the course for all who aspire to political activism.

ARIES (sign of the sheared Sheeple) - The moon and stars and unmanned space probes are aligned. You are fated to run for city council because others see you as a natural leader. Those others may be your Mom, your special-needs half brother, and your baby sister, but, hey, you're a bleating heart liberal.

TAURUS (the bullheaded) - Those born under this sign are full of it. You'll make a great fundamentalist conservative candidate. Grab this opportunity by the horns and convince others with your line of bull that you'll make the perfect animal-control officer.

GEMINI (the Minnesota Twins) - You may be of two minds at this critical juncture in time. If you're fiscally conservative like a right-hander but socially liberal like a lefty, you might find a spot in the political lineup as a Designated Libertarian.

CANCER (the crab, an STD) - Cancer is a scary word, which is why many born under this sign call themselves "Moon Children." Because of this fear and indecisiveness, Moonies are introverted, emotional, moody, and overly sensitive. It's unwise for you to join any party. You're primed to join the first wild-eyed fringe movement that comes along. Keep your Kool-Aid handy.

LEO (the circus lion) - Three rings of Saturn turns American politics into a Big Top. Leos are natural ringmasters who aspire to be party leaders by horse-trading, compromising, flip-flopping, and sucking up. You're a Lion-hearted lion at heart, but politicking makes you lyin' hearted.

VIRGO (the mythological creature of modern America) - pure, virtuous, chaste, and need to get laid are words that describe the progeny of this Earthy Sign. You are perfectly positioned to launch your first foray into the world of school-board politics, demanding abstinence-only sex education. Until, that is, Taurus the Bull enters Uranus.

LIBRA (The scaly diseases) - Psoriasis, Pellagra, leprosy, itchy scalp, and other skin distresses dominate the denizens of this Sun Sign. You are naturally impelled to champion universal health care, but will come to rue your activism after your local medicrat places you on a six-month waiting list to see a dermatologist and you scratch yourself to death while waiting.

SCORPIO (the creepy insect) - In astrology, Scorpio (October 24 through November 21) is considered a "feminine," negative sign. In zoology, the scorpion is a venomous invertebrate that stings its prey to death and sucks the life out of it. In politics Hillary Clinton is a Scorpio (birthday: October 26). If you're smart, you'll be Born Again under a different sign.

SAGITTARIUS (The centaur archer) - Your Zodiac sign is a half-human, half-horse creature with a bow and arrow. A bow and arrow in the age of automatic weapons? This makes you a half-fast horse's ass, and your proper place in the political universe is Animal Right s Activist. Go hug a mink. Or you can switch to sexual politics and hug a minx.

CAPRICORN (the old goat) - Those born of this sign are curmudgeonly, cantankerous, irascible, and yearn for the Good Old Days. You have a future in the Whig Party.

AQUARIUS (the water barer, not water boarder) - The Age of Aquarius is over, dude. It all played out in the 1960s with stage shows and movies and albums and tie-died shirts. Your politics is simple: New Age radical liberal counterculture hippy free sex Zen Buddhism bell-bottoms mood rings and Peace signs. Go join a commune.

PISCES (the fishmonger) - The sign of the two fishes that chase each other's tails equate to your own dual persona. Politically, your milieu is simultaneously Republican and Democrat, since your own split personality informs you that these two political parties are simply two false faces of the same two-faced coin. Go fish.

Garry Reed is a longtime advocate of the libertarian philosophy of non-coercion that espouses personal autonomy and individual responsibility, civil rights and economic liberty, maximum freedom and minimum government. His Web site is

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