In Praise of the Simple Life: My Lifelong Friendship with Nora Sue Miller

How much do you know about the Amish?

Is your knowledge gained from watching reality-television series such as Breaking Amish or the Amish Mafia? Or have some of you formed opinions about these unique people from interacting with them as they sell baked goods at farmers markets? You may have been stuck behind a horse and buggy on an Iowa country road in Johnson County. Some of you may remember the 1985 movie Witness, starring Harrison Ford, about a murder that’s witnessed by an Amish boy and his mother. You might recall the horrific crime that occurred in 2006 in which 10 young Pennsylvania Amish girls were shot in their schoolhouse, with five of them killed. Whatever your knowledge or exposure, the Amish hold a fascination for many of us. Perhaps we are curious about their clothes or envy their bucolic lifestyle. Or maybe we quietly judge them for their beliefs and wonder why they don’t drive cars.

I would like to introduce you to an Amish person who changed my life.

When I first met Nora Sue through exchanging letters in elementary school, she attended public school in Middlebury, Indiana. This is when our names were exchanged, and we began our lifelong pen-pal relationship. She continued at that public school until age 12. Then, her last two years of schooling were spent at a newly established Amish country school, thanks to the ruling that the Amish were free to educate their own. Her school was a one-room schoolhouse where all grades were educated collectively. Nora Sue finished school after eighth grade and then became her mother’s helper. For someone who has only an eighth-grade education, she writes more effectively and correctly than many high-school graduates I know. All of Nora Sue’s children and grandchildren are also educated in the same one-room Amish community school house and leave after the eighth grade.

The Old Order Amish worship on every other Sunday at 9 a.m. in one of the member’s homes. They alternate hosting of the service between the family homes in their district. The service includes many German hymns, all sung without accompaniment. Nora Sue describes the singing as a form of prayer. The bishop leads the service, with several ministers reading scripture and giving the lesson. The church service ends with another song at around 11:30 or noon. A luncheon usually follows and the members visit for much of the afternoon. The church service observes the same format each Sunday and creates a sense of consistency and expectation. Nora Sue enjoys Sundays, as it gives her a chance to not only worship God, but also socialize with her many friends in the community.

As you surely realize, the Amish life is a simple and modest one. Nora Sue’s world is made fresh by its lack of complexity and haste and by the cohesiveness of her community. Her way of life stems from her desire to uphold her ancestral roots and heritage, uncluttered by modern devices and distorted by non-Amish education. Through my correspondence with Nora Sue, I have become endeared to the Amish people. The strength of the Amish lies in the unity of the group. It is through this uniformity that they survive in America. As of 2021, 350,000 Old Order Amish live happily in the United States – quite an increase from 6,000 members in the 1800s. Their population is growing rapidly, as they do not practice birth control and few leave the faith. Nora Sue values family above all else and believes that large families are a blessing from God. Despite defying modernity and machines, they are prospering. Nora Sue’s mother passed away in 2019. She was survived by eight children, 60 grandchildren, and 230 great-grandchildren. Wow! Do you know a living person with that many direct descendants?

Nora Sue is the fifth of eight siblings, and they all grew up on a rural farm near Middlebury, Indiana. I was lucky to visit her a handful of times as a child and teenager. The Amish are introverted and stoic, living their lives without electricity, telephones, cars, tractors, and higher education – a way of life much different than my family. It is unusual for “the English,” which is what they call non-Amish people, to be invited into an Amish home, so our visits were unique, special, and sacred. My parents became friends with her parents, and my siblings played with her siblings when we would visit. We played with the many barn cats, shared meals, prayed together, and rode in the buggies. I always thought the dolls that we played with were a bit creepy as they did not have faces. The Amish believe that vanity should be shunned, as we are all equal in God’s eye; therefore, the dolls did not have hair, eyes, noses, or mouths. We were also fascinated by the austere clothing and appearance displayed by Nora Sue’s family. All of the women and girls looked the same with their hair parted down the middle, drawn tightly back from their faces, wrapped in a bun, and covered with a white head prayer covering. Their long dresses were dark colors with contrasting aprons and they wore black sensible leather shoes.

The men had beards that were untrimmed and bushy. Once a man is married, they begin to grow a beard, and then never trim it after that. You know how long someone has been married by the length of their beard. The men’s trousers were wide and made of heavy fabric. Some wore suspenders but no one wore a belt. The children dressed in simple play clothes that were handmade, as were all of their clothes. Our brief visits supplemented our letter correspondence and created a deeper connection between the two of us, as we began to understand our very different lives. As we matured, so did our letters. We began to explore not only what made us different, but also what tied us together as humans. We realized that our common humanity allowed us to have a voice to communicate and express emotion, opinions, and friendship.

All of Nora’s siblings continue to live in Middlebury, except for one brother who lives in Wisconsin. She enjoys getting together with them once a month in their homes for fellowship and delicious food. She was baptized at the age of 18, and this is when she committed to the Amish faith. True to their Anabaptist roots, Old Order Amish do not baptize infants. They believe that people should wait until the age of 18, when each person can then make a conscious choice about their religious beliefs. Nora Sue has told me that her baptism is the most memorable experience in her life. She explains that this holy event is a life pledge to live and adhere to the practices of the church. This is the point in an Amish person’s life where they make the decision to remain in the Amish faith or deviate from the community. The majority of Amish youth return home and decide to be baptized. All of her family has remained in the Old Order Amish. None have strayed or made the decision to leave. She has also never known anyone to leave the Old Order, which is contrary to what our media and reality shows might lead us to think.

Nora Sue met her husband,Wilbur at a youth group activity during her rumspringa. If you have never heard of rumspringa, it is a rite of passage during an Amish adolescent’s life. Rumspringa literally means “jumping around.” It usually begin at the age of 16 and ends when the person chooses to be baptized. It also is used as a time for courtship and finding a spouse. Nora Sue describes it as friends getting together on a Saturday evening, where they learn to play card games, play volleyball, and then stay overnight. Everyone then goes to church on Sunday morning with more games in the afternoon. The youth are then allowed to attend the Sunday night “singings,” a sign of their growing maturity. At the “sing,” boys sit on one side of a long table, while the girls sit on the other side. Conversation occurs between songs, and gradually the youth pair off and get married. She told me that rumspringa is much the same today as it was when she was a teenager. The media and popular culture would like you to believe that Amish youth are running around big cities, smoking, drinking, and driving cars. Some Amish communities do encourage teenagers to go out and experience the outside world, but often it might only be a trip to Walmart or to a movie theater. It simply isn’t as sensational as reported.

However, unique situations do exist in the Amish, just as they do in our communities, and there are some incidences of poor behavior during rumspringa. Nora Sue explains that she is thankful that her community have the convictions they have and choose not to participate in that type of behavior. She knows of no groups in Indiana that allow their youth to do such things during rumspringa.

Nora Sue Miller married Wilbur Miller on a beautiful October day, which was also her 20th birthday. Notice that her maiden name and married name are the same. In the Old Order Amish, marrying your first cousin is not allowed, but second cousin relationships are permitted. This causes some genetic deformities and disease within the Amish community. Nora Sue has several family members with genetic problems. On her wedding day, Nora Sue was dressed in a sky blue dress, the traditional wedding color, with Wilbur wearing a white shirt and black pants. Nora Sue wore no make-up and did not receive a wedding ring, as the Ordnung prohibits the wearing of jewelry as it is considered ostentatious. There were 250 guests, with the two-hour service being held at the neighbor’s house and the full-course meal that followed being served at her home. The meal was followed by singing. Singing is a major part of many Amish celebrations and church services. It is always in German, done without accompaniment, and is typically monophonic with very little rhythm.

Nora and Wilbur have 8 children, ranging in ages from 39 to 25. Nora and her husband live in a modest house on a dirt country lane, while her daughter and her family live in a connected house next door. A typical day for Nora consists first of coffee and devotions at the kitchen table, getting her husband ready for work, attending to household duties, mending clothes, canning, baking, feeding the birds, and tending to her vegetable garden. The Amish take on traditional gender roles. She also usually writes a note or letter every day! Nora feels a responsibility to teach her grandchildren the values of life, the meaning of hard work, and respect, obedience, and cooperation, so her 36 grandchildren have become her life’s focus. Her husband Wilbur is a part-owner in a machine and welding shop that Nora’s father started in 1969. The shop sits on their property and runs off of hydraulic power instead of electricity. The machine shop employs more than 50 people, both Amish and non-Amish, doing sheet-metal fabrication for automobiles and RV chassis. The company does more than $6 million of business annually, as they contract with several of the large RV companies in the Elkhart County area. Wilbur does the accounting for the company, and he only has an eighth-grade education. One interesting point is that they do not use cell phones, but they do have a landline in a small shack adjacent to their house. When someone calls, they are able to leave a message. The Millers then listen to their messages that can be returned at a later date or time.

So what have I learned from my pen pal? How have I changed from nearly six decades of correspondence with my Amish friend? Perhaps our modern, harried, complicated, and technological world could learn something from the Amish. I know I have. Here is a quick list of my observations.

First of all, the Amish have succeeded in preserving their beliefs, identity, and culture, even while being persecuted and ostracized. This steadfastness has influenced me throughout my life, in that I have learned to live with intention and not conform to the expectations of others. Be who you are, and you will find peace.

Secondly, I have learned to be satisfied with less. This mantra began for me as an elementary student and continues through my adult life.

Next, I have learned that all hard work has value. I also believe that it is important to find pleasure, challenge, and meaning in your work because that will make all of the difference.

Another one of the big lessons that the Amish have taught me is to honor your ancestors and understand where you came from. Learn what you can from the elders in your family.

Keep your celebrations small and make homemade gifts. Many of the gifts that I ever received from Nora were handmade and became treasures to me.

Last but not least, God comes first, family second, and individuals last.

Nora Sue has a view of the world that is quite unlike mine. She draws different conclusions about how to live. Our daily lives are contrasts. However, it is truly amazing how similar we are when you look at our basic values. We respect each other’s lifestyle and we appreciate how each of us has hope and confidence for the future. We are both open-minded about exploring life, learning from mistakes, and making important decisions. Our friendship is a poignant and sacred relationship. In close to 60 years of correspondence, I have no photographs of Nora Sue, as I have always respected her privacy and know that photos are against her religious beliefs. Nora Sue will never tell her story because of her modesty and reticence. Today, I am giving her a voice. I am inviting you to know this amazing woman who I call friend: Nora Sue Miller.

Gail Heninger lives in Bettendorf, Iowa, and prepared this essay as part of her presentation to the Tuesday Club of which she is a member.