'Next We'll Be Bringing in the Cafeteria Police'
Conservative Satirist Finds Humor, Fear Factor
in New School Lunch Rules

Effective March 26, kids will be required to put fruits or vegetables on their trays in the lunch line. School cafeterias with salad bars must monitor the salad eaters "to ensure that students actually take the minimum required portion size" deemed nutritionally necessary for their age.

No school kids will be served whole milk or even 2 percent-fat milk; only 1 percent or fat-free milk will be allowed. However, "students may decline milk," the U.S. Department of Agriculture generously concedes in its new rules for school lunches.

It's not hard to see what lies ahead, says Stephen Goldberg, author of Obama's Shorts (www.ObamasShorts.com), a collection of 23 satirical short stories that take a humorous look at the new rules and regulations governing Americans' lives.

"How about a National Nutritional Enforcement Agency that provides federal agents, unarmed, of course, to make sure all students are Clean Plate Clubbers?" he asks.

And forget mandatory health insurance, he says, we have a much bigger problem.

"We're ripe for a Patients' Waiting Room Fairness Act. Some people can't afford a phone or computer. Some can't speak English. Why should they have to wait longer than people who can make appointments?

"The Waiting Room Fairness Act will ensure it's first come, first served," Goldberg says. "That's only fair."

A stand-up comic-turned-dentist, Goldberg says there are some serious concerns underlying his hyperbole. Too many Americans don't understand the principles upon which the United States was created, so they're blind to just how far from them we've strayed. There's nothing like a dose of humor to provide some education.

"The Constitution set things up so we would be ruled from the bottom up with only a few things controlled by the federal government," Goldberg says. "Now it is completely upside down.

"Take school lunches. Most parents pay for them. Shouldn't they be the ones telling their kids what they should put on their plate? These new rules have been created, in part, to 'help mitigate the childhood obesity trend,' the USDA says. What if you've got a skinny kid who's a picky eater and you want him to have the choice of drinking whole milk?"

The Constitution was crafted with the family as the political base, Goldberg says. For things a family couldn't possibly accomplish, the Founding Fathers looked to communities to be in charge. And what the community couldn't do, the state would handle.

"The federal government got only a few powers, like war and international trade. That also helped ensure that the different beliefs, cultures and values of different communities would be protected.

"Think it's far-fetched imagining a day when federal agents search lunchboxes for cookie contraband?" Goldberg asks. "How about a National Potato Council accusing the feds of treating their tuber like a 'second-class vegetable' in its lunchroom rules?

"Yes, there is a National Potato Council. And yes, that's what they said."

About Stephen Goldberg

Stephen Goldberg started his professional life as a comedian and turned to dentistry as a more reliable way to make a living - though he never stopped getting his audience to laugh. He's been married 45 years and has three children and three grandchildren.

(Bettendorf, IA Mar 7, 2012) - The Muslim Community of the Quad Cities (MCQC) is pleased to welcome fellow Quad Citians to the opening of its new mosque facility in Bettendorf.

Saturday, May 5, 2012 from 2p.m. - 5p.m. at 2115 Kimberly Rd, Bettendorf, Iowa 52722

MCQC President, Dr. Mushtaq Khan, said "We are happy to have completed the new building, and are eager to welcome our neighbors to celebrate with us. We look forward to working with them in the future." "This new building is a much needed addition.  the local Muslim community is expanding, and our ability to participate in and serve both it and the Quad City community in general will be enhanced by the new facility," said Dr. Talia Alvi, Outreach Coordinator for MCQC.

Activities will include guided tours, Islamic art/culture exhibit, Arabic writing craft table, community slideshow, food, information tables explaining some of the basic beliefs and practices in Islam, etc. along with brief addresses by the Mayor Gallagher (Bettendorf) and Mayor Gluba (Davenport), Rev. Ron Quay (Churches United), and Mosque representatives.

Admission is free, and the event is open to the public; refreshments provided! For more info contact: Talia Alvi (563) 503 0708, taliaalvi@yahoo.com, Moutaz Kotob (563) 505 7537

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Sunday, April 8, 2011 - Time: 10-2

On Sunday, April 8th, Johnny's Italian Steakhouse will host Easter Brunch from 10-am until 2pm. Reserved seating is recommended.

Enjoy an elegant Easter brunch buffet with chef carved prime rib, ham, classic breakfast favorites including a waffle bar, desserts and much more.

Prices for the brunch are $24 per person, $12 children 12 and under, highchair age free. To make your reservation call the restaurant at 309-736-0100 or visit johnnysitlaiansteakhouse.com

Johnny's Italian Steakhouse, John Deere Commons, 1300 River Dr, Moline, IL 612654

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Sunday, April 8, 2011 -  Seatings: 10:30am and 1pm

On Sunday, April 8th, The Figge Art Museum is hosting the Easter Brunch prepared by Heart of America chef Dave Mickelwright. The brunch will take place in the elegant dining area with river views.

Reserved seating is required with two seating times to choose from: 10:30AM and 1PM.

Enjoy an elegant Easter brunch buffet with chef carved prime rib, ham, classic breakfast favorites, pastries, desserts and much, much more.

Prices for the brunch are $19.99 per person for museum members, $22.99 per person for non-members, $10.99 children age 4-10 and under 4 free.

Museum admission included with brunch and guided tours available at 12:30 and 1:30. Call Dave Mickelwright to make your reservations at 563.726.2087.

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