All of Us Deserve River Renaissance
by Phil Yerington
Congratulations to the people of Davenport, Scott County, and the
entire Quad City area! The Vision Iowa Board has committed $20 million to the revitalization of downtown Davenport.
Q: I sure like Al Gore's new look. In all the latest photos, he's wearing a beard. What's the inside story?
A: This bold move was suggested by the Democratic National Committee, which hopes voters won't recognize the former vice president, thus giving him a fresh start for 2004.
"Welcome to another edition of Larry King Live. Tonight our special guest is The Man Who Won't Go Away, Bubba the Baby Boomer, the Kahuna of Controversy, the Guy You Hate to Love and Love to Hate, that dashing former president of the United States, Bill Clinton.
"All right, let's get this over with. As you know, my name is Skip Kovacs, and I have a long history in successful tabloid journalism. That's why they just hired me to take over as editor of this newspaper. So, starting today, we're going to put some real pizzazz into print.
Relations between journalists and the subjects about whom they write feature an inherent tension. As journalists, we're asking sources to take time out of their schedules to talk with us when the results are uncertain: They don't know whether we'll write something glowing or damning about them.
"Welcome to another edition of Blowhard Roundtable - the fast-moving, hard-hitting, fist-banging program where Washington insiders shout at each other while you just sit there and listen."
"That's right, Fred.
There's a stack of news clippings here labeled "McDonald's" that is getting so thick we finally had to move the Gary Condit file.
But seriously. I spent all week trying to write something funny about America's Most Successful Fast Food Chain, by way of introducing a just-leaked story that spotlights the company's latest misadventure.
Q: I hear Congress still can't agree on that patient bill of rights. What's the problem?
A: Nothing's more complicated than health care in America. The latest stumbling block was when several Senators realized that checking into a hospital and hiring a prostitute both started with the same question - "How much money do you have?" - and ended with, "All right, lie down and give me your underwear.