I would like to set the record straight on the recent controversy surrounding the Davenport City Council's decision not to televise the "Public with Business" portion of our meetings. There was never any desire or attempt to "censor" the voice of the people.

What's On

8:56 a.m. Network headquarters. "Good morning, everyone. Turn off your cell phone and take a seat. Now, I won't beat around the bush. Our programming is getting creamed by everything, including village board meetings.
"...you see, here in the 21st century, the television viewer has an incredible number of choices. There's cable TV, satellite TV, on-demand TV ? not to mention exciting new digital advancements like HDTV. But our market research found that despite all those wonderful possibilities, what consumers really want to see on TV is someone who's not lying."

"Gosh, where can they find that?"

"Exactly. And that's why we think we have a hit on our hands with TTTTTV."

"TTTTTV?"

"'Tell the Total Truth Television.' Brand-new technology, very cutting-edge. We feed the standard broadcast signal through a special filter which converts the spin, rhetoric, half-truths, and outright lies into the real deal. We're talking state-of-the-art infotainment here."

"Wow! Does it really work?"

"Judge for yourself. Here's a tape of those Senate Judiciary hearings. See if you can spot the difference."

"...now, Senator Ashcroft, I understand that you're a right-wing, Bible-thumping, Pentecostal zealot, correct?"

"That's right, Senator Kennedy. And I believe you're a left-wing, booze-guzzling, libertine, if I'm not mistaken."

"Exactly. Which is why I find it hard to believe that you don't drink, smoke, or gamble."

"Not only that, my religion prevents me from driving off a bridge with my girlfriend in the car."

"Oh yeah? You people are so far out you don't even dance, do you?"

"That's right, Ted. It's a lifestyle you might check into, unless you're going for the Most Bloated Senator award. Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You look like the body that washed up on the beach in Cast Away."

"At least I didn't accept a degree from some college that didn't even allow interracial dating. Or tell some southern magazine that all those slave-holding Confederates were 'patriots.' What's your favorite movie? Gone With The Wind?"

"Only the first half. And what's yours? Lost Weekend'?

"I'll ask the questions here, padre. So let's get this straight. You really expect us to believe that you'd enforce all the nation's laws, even though you don't agree with any of them?"

"That's right."

"C'mon, seriously?"

"So help me God."

"What is this, a trick? Do you have the real John Ashcroft tied up in back or something?"

"Nope. I'm just flexible."

"How did the Bush people wind up with you, anyway? I can't believe you were their first choice."

"Second. They couldn't spell 'Racicot.'"

"So you wouldn't try to overturn Roe v. Wade?"

"Nope."

"Promise?"

"Everyone knows I'm as honest as the day is long."

"Which day is that, the one up at the Arctic Circle?"

"Excuse me, Senator. I read somewhere that you actually favor carrying concealed weapons."

"That's right."

"Are you carrying one right now?"

"One more pushy question, pal, and you're going to find out."

"Wow! This TTTTTV is great! You have any more tapes?"

"Not yet, but we're working on it. We ran Clinton's last speech through the filter, but it came out blank."

"How about Bush's inauguration?"

"We're crossing our fingers."

Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.
"Marta! Where are you?" "In the kitchen, Senora Chavez. I am making a pitcher of piña coladas and cooking up a dish of ropa vieja." "English, Marta! Always speak English!" "Sorry.
"Hello everyone. This is Bob Costas again, looking younger than ever and coming to you live from Washington, D.C., where the country is turning on the juice and getting it done ? inaugurating its 43rd president with four days of pageantry and pathos, played out against the colorful backdrop of an historic, even legendary, city. And joining me here in the broadcast booth is the man who brought 280 million people to their grateful feet just by being such a good sport. Our soon-to-be-former vice president, Al Gore."

"Thanks, Bob. It's great to be here in our nation's capital with so many wonderful Americans wearing casual clothes."

"Well, let's give our viewers a taste of the festivities in store for them here at 'Inauguration 2001.' The big parade, of course, starts right after the oath-taking ceremony."

"Right, Bob. And the Republican theme sounds like one I might have chosen myself? 'Diversity: It's Pretty Neat!' There are also floats representing every race, creed, color, and national origin, even the ones who voted for me."

"Do you have a favorite float?"

"I do. It's the one that sprays orange juice at the crowd while it plays a tape of Anita Bryant singing, 'Come to the Florida Sunshine Tree.'"

10:20AM, PRESS CONFERENCE

"Can you give us details of all the inaugural festivities?"

"Okay, but first we'd like to point out that despite all the parties, dinners, concerts, marching bands, and coffee receptions, the president-elect is having only nine official inaugural balls, versus President Clinton's 14."

"How much did all this cost?"

"I'm afraid that information is classified."

"Can you give us a hint?"

"Put it this way. We pretty much used up that tax cut thing."

11:00AM. INSIDE THE PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE

"Billy Boy, if it weren't traditional for the incoming president and the outgoing president to ride to the ceremony together, I'd rather treat Dick Cheney for a snakebite than be in the same car with you."

"Relax, Dubya. As a member of the lucky sperm club, this is the closest you'll ever get to real greatness. Now, about that pardon. I was thinking that, just as a gesture of goodwill, you might want to?"

"Not a chance, Mr. Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy! Bad enough that you already pardoned everybody but Charles Manson. Now you pull this last-minute stuff with the forests."

"Couldn't let you turn the last frontier into telephones and toothpicks."

"Listen, Mr. Rhodes scholar. You're not the only one with a college degree. I went to Yale and Harvard."

"Oh yeah? Then why couldn't you come up with your own cabinet?"

"A lot of the people on our previous-administration short list turned out to be dead."

1:30PM. SWEARING IN

"Ready?"

"Yes, Mr. Chief Justice. But I was wondering if, instead of the Bible, I could take the oath on this copy of How to Profit from the Coming Recession. You know, just for good luck."

"I suppose so. All right, repeat after me. 'I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do solemnly swear?'"

"I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do?"

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I thought we were swearing in your father again."

"No, he retired. But I'm sure gonna call him every day."

"Hold on! Bait and switch! The deal's off!"

"Deal? What deal?"

"That vote-counting in Florida. All right, everybody. We've been thinking things over and we're going to take one more look at those ballots before we commit to anything."

"No! You can't do that!"

"Yes, we can!"

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, we can."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"




"Al, Al, wake up!"

"Whaatt? Oh, I must have been dreaming."

"Well, wake up. It's time to get ready."

"Ready?"

"You have two grand openings today, plus that taping of Hollywood Squares."

"Today? I thought that was next week."

"They moved it up. Gilbert Gottfried called in sick."

Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com. Coming soon: newsjunkie.net.
(The FCC said recently that TV networks should have identified the White House as a sponsor when anti-drug messages ran in prime-time scripts. Here's the original story from last January.) TO: Skip Kovacs, VP/ Network Operations FROM: J.
(click) "...you're watching MSNBCNN.com, where our catchy graphic shows that both presidential candidates are scheduled to make a statement at 9pm Eastern Time tonight, just a few minutes from now..." (click) "Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Thanks A Lot

Near Plymouth Rock, 1621. "Look, Running Deer is coming! And he seems to be out of breath. Running Deer, what news have you brought?" "Greetings, Bald Eagle. I [cough] have just [cough, cough] come from the European visitors and [cough, cough, cough]..."

"What is the matter with you, Running Deer?"

"My lungs are killing me. [cough] The medicine man Black Feather told me to inhale the burning leaves of a tobacco plant, but it doesn't seem to be helping."

"Well, sit down here and tell the tribe what our visitors from across the ocean want from us now."

"I spoke to Governor Bradford–"

"That shifty-eyed Caucasian! Never trust anyone whose first name is 'Governor.'"

"Standing Bear is too suspicious of these pilgrims. They come only for religious freedom."

"Don't be taken in by their pious ways, Sitting Duck! Do you forget that they said they would go back home next spring? Mark my words, we will rue the day that boat showed up."

"So what did they want, Running Deer?"

"To invite us to some sort of dinner."

"What, seriously?"

"That's what they said."

"They must be up to something."

"Sounds like the time they gave spirits to Runs Like the Wind and Drinks Like a Fish, then tried to buy the Eastern seaboard."

"What sort of dinner does Bradford have in mind?"

"A feast of thanksgiving, he calls it. They're so relieved that they survived the winter, they're throwing this big party."

"I knew it! We'll never get rid of them now. And another thing. What are these fire sticks they shoot? They're going to kill someone if they're not careful."

"They're called guns, Standing Bear – get with the 17th century. And they're a lot better to hunt with than throwing rocks at a turkey's head." "They want us to dress up for this dinner." "Meaning what?" "They don't want us to show up naked. They seem to be a very shame-based people." "Those prissy pumpkin-washers! They have a lot of nerve telling us what to wear. What's up with those hats with the buckles?" "I'm not getting a rash from some stupid loincloth just to break bread with those turistas." "I think we should go just to see what they're up to. We can feed them wild turkeys so they become sleepy after dinner, then go through their pockets." "White Rabbit is right. Why not have some sport with these trespassers? Let's give them some mincemeat baked in a pie." "That stuff made of bear grease we put on burns? Red Fox has a devilish sense humor!" "Uh oh – here they come now." "Shhh! Don't look like we were talking about them. Welcome, pilgrims!" "Greetings, savages." "We will be honored to join your feast of thanksgiving." "We are glad to hear it. There is a proposition we would like to talk over, and we have some very valuable beads to show you. By the way, do you have any more of that tobacco?" Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.

Count Me In

"All right. Here we go again." "Ready?" "Yep." "One for Gore-Lieberman." "Gore-Lieberman. One." "One for Bush-Cheney." "One for Bush-Cheney. Got it." "One for Cheney, but not Bush.
(rrrrring) "Hello?" "George? It's Al." "Al? Al who?" "Get off it, Junior. It's Al, the next President of the United States, that's who." "In your dreams, Poindexter.

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