17 Jul 2001

McSatire

By Garry Lee Wright
There's a stack of news clippings here labeled "McDonald's" that is getting so thick we finally had to move the Gary Condit file. Ba-da-boom. But seriously. I spent all week trying to write something funny about America's Most Successful Fast Food Chain, by way of introducing a just-leaked story that spotlights the company's latest misadventure.
10 Jul 2001

Bottoms Up!

By Garry Lee Wright
"All right, let's get started. This meeting of Underage Alcohol Marketers Anonymous will please come to order. And remember, no last names." "Can I go first?" "Fine." "Hello, everybody.
04 Jul 2001

Patients' Rights: Your FAQs

By Administrator
Q: I hear Congress still can't agree on that patient bill of rights. What's the problem? A: Nothing's more complicated than health care in America. The latest stumbling block was when several Senators realized that checking into a hospital and hiring a prostitute both started with the same question - "How much money do you have?" - and ended with, "All right, lie down and give me your underwear.
19 Jun 2001

Father's Day

By Administrator
Of all the holidays generally recognized in North America, Father's Day has the most potential for confusion and complication, if not outright concussion. Thanksgiving, by contrast, is a snap. Everyone in America sits down to the same exact meal, then nods off as the L-tryptophan kicks in and the Lions game lurches toward halftime.
06 Jun 2001

Davenport Should Be a Catalyst for Flood-Plain Management Changes

By Kathy Wine
Now that the Mississippi River has receded and the sandbags are being removed, federal, state, and local leaders need to address more than the cost of cleanup after the flooding. We need to determine why floods occur more often and at higher flows than predicted and address the root problems that have led to the more frequent flooding.
06 Jun 2001

Mercury Retrograde

By Garry Lee Wright
We live in strangely searching times. We look inward, outward, all around for a fresh clue why surprising things happen, and why most of them are bad. We might seek out that annoying woman on late-night TV with the Jamaican accent whose tarot cards uncannily confirm that your husband, who's been working late for the past 27 years, is actually having an affair with the security guard.
29 May 2001

Channel Surfing

By Garry Lee Wright
(click) " ... our special guest tonight is former President Bill Clinton, who's just scheduled a paid appearance at a success seminar with TV host Montel Williams and a group of - believe it or not - motivational speakers.
15 May 2001

Dear Daughter

By Garry Lee Wright
(Editor's note: News Junkie is off this week. This column originally ran last year.) One day when you were a little girl, you came home from school and asked me what the word "gay" meant.
08 May 2001

May Day

By Garry Lee Wright
"Good morning, Mr. General Secretary. We are glad you could attend our meeting." "Nyet! A modern Russia demands new titles for its post-revolutionary leaders. We must trust capitalism to lead us. Please address me the way authority figures are spoken to on successful American television programs.
01 May 2001

The Girls of Summer

By Garry Lee Wright
The grass on the field is still wet from a rainstorm earlier in the day. Good thing the skies have finally cleared, because there's a ball game scheduled tonight and I happen to know the starting pitcher personally.

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