Bottoms Up!

"All right, let's get started. This meeting of Underage Alcohol Marketers Anonymous will please come to order. And remember, no last names." "Can I go first?" "Fine." "Hello, everybody. My name's Brad, and I'm getting rich."

"Hi, Brad!"

"Hi, there. Want a T-shirt from Uncle Billy's Booze Barrel? It's got a funny slogan on the back."

"Thanks. So how's the Head Start program going?"

"Great. A new study says teens start drinking at 16. That's down from 18 in the mid-1960s."

"Terrific! I knew we'd get 'em into the habit if we just disguised the taste of the stuff. Here's to wine coolers and hard lemonade!"

"Bottoms up. And I don't mean profits."

"I'll say. How are the macho drinks doing?"

"Great. We've actually got 'em thinking Red Bull and vodka is healthy."

"Why not? It's full of vitamins, and it gives 'em the energy to keep getting hammered."

"Perfect. And the girls?"

"Sweet-tasting malt beverages with cartoony names. Our latest is called Boysenberry Binge Blackout."

"Yum. Anything else?"

"Yeah. We just rolled out a new high-alcohol tropical entry for the summer called Citrus & Go Blind."

"That's a winner. All right, let's hear from the Fake ID committee. How's everything going?"

"Couldn't be better. Remember the old cut-and-paste days when kids had to snip pictures out of yearbooks or change their birthdates with White Out?"

"Sure. Bartenders kept asking if your name was really Dorothy."

"Well, it's a brave new world now. Between Internet Web sites and cheap printers, you can't tell fake IDs from the real ones."

"What about all those holograms?"

"They make better ones than the Secretary of State."


"You think they're on to us yet?"

"No way. That 'Drink responsibly' campaign was a stroke of genius."

"I'm just worried it's going to cut into sales."

"Me too. Couldn't we modify it a little?"

"Like how?"

"'Drink a lot - responsibly!'"

"Too confusing."

"How about: 'Drink responsibly as often as you can.'"

"Too long."

"Wait, I got it: 'Learn to drink responsibly - and get started right now!'"

"That's good. All in favor?"


"Good. Next order of business?"

"We're taking over cigarette marketing."


"Sure. Listen to this: 'Smoking is a Constitutionally protected right, but we never sell tobacco to kids - only adults.'"

"That'll work. So what age do kids supposedly become adults?"

"I dunno. Eleven?"

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and ( Coming soon: (

Support the River Cities' Reader

Help Keep the Reader Alive and Free Since '93!


"We're the River Cities' Reader, and we've kept the Quad Cities' only independently owned newspaper alive and free since 1993. Now we find our ability to continue providing all the features you love in serious jeopardy without the financial support of our readers.

So please help the Reader keep going with your one-time, monthly, or annual support. With your financial support the Reader can continue providing uncensored, non-scripted, and independent journalism alongside the Quad Cities' area's most comprehensive cultural coverage." - Todd McGreevy, Publisher