(Special investigative report by Grünhaus Gaz, environmental correspondent.)
On December 4, 10,000 worldcrats and their coteries jetted into the Indonesian resort island of Bali to attend yet another in a long line of climate-change conferences.
No one seemed bothered by an AP article (http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BALI_SAVING_THE_PLANET) that asserted, "Their emissions are probably going to be greater than a small African country."
"I've been here all day," coos a young bikini-clad American woman reclining on a white sand beach who asks not to be identified. "This is the best free vacation since the Rio shindig."
Asked to explain the "free" part, she smirks, "My boyfriend owns and operates Chokejet Charters Air Service. He's politically connected. We fly American politicians and UN bureaucrats to these climate things. They have unlimited taxpayer money, you know."
"I'm politically connected too," the even younger, buxom, and topless blonde sitting next to her giggles. "I have a, you know, special relationship with a U.S. senator."
Included in the 10,000 conference attendees is a team of three handpicked UN climate-change scientists.
"Global Warming dissenters aren't allowed," one snarls. "Dissenters don't get taxpayer-funded globe-trotting junkets."
"Global warming is yesterday's terminology," another handpicked UN-sanctioned expert explains over his third exotic cocktail in the foreigners-only resort bar. "Global warming didn't account for the two-year lack of gigantic hurricanes since Katrina and Rita, or the unexpectedly severe blizzards that keep hitting North America, or the unusual rainfall last spring in large parts of the Midwest. So now we prefer to call it 'climate change' because that will cover every conceivable kind of weather variation forever. You're not writing this down, are you?"
In all, representatives from 190 countries are here. This includes Blingo Gloomia III, who welcomes visitors to his hotel-top executive suite with an expansive grin. He is Minister of National Greenhouse Gases & Toxic Waste Elimination from the small "developing" Afro-Asian-Polynesian country of The Glorious People's Republic of Western New Equatorial BanglaFaso-Borastan.
"We have no pollution in our country," he crows loudly. Gloomia, as nitpickers quickly point out, never mentions that his people live by herding lizards and subsist on two meals of yuckkit a day, a traditional porridge of fecesgrass and grubleaves. His father is Blingo Gloomia II, Beloved Godfather and Premier for Life who confiscates everything in sight and lives in a multi-million-dollar palace.
Other attendees are seen scuba diving, shopping, and taking guided limo tours to Bali's last remaining tree. (Host country Indonesia, killjoys once again point out, has one of the fastest rates of deforestation in the world.)
Nobody seems to be working, which apparently confirms another quote from the aforementioned AP article: "No one expects concrete results here."
"Oh, we brought along a few clerks and aides to do the actual work of producing a report," one official explains in strictest confidence. "But we don't want to reach any agreements. We're all looking forward to Tahiti next year."
Similar conferences have been held around the world in countless extravagant resorts, and there appears to be no shortage either of extravagant resorts or taxpayer loot.
The next climate conference will be held in Monaco. Many will arrive in ocean-going yachts, considered "earth-friendly" by rich, smug Hollywood climate-change groupies because they're wind-powered when not running on their powerful diesel-belching engines.
The room rates for every five-star hotel in Monte Carlo has already been quadruple-jacked and reserved by international potentates on the public dole from their home countries. While 15,000 are expected to attend, the actual conference room will only hold about 200 people.
The casinos, however, will easily accommodate them all.
"Common people must endure great sacrifices," a global-warming philosopher pontificates, "so that we clearly superior ruling-class elitists can eventually, after many years of jet-setting climate-change political junkets, save the world for them."
More of Garry Reed's writing can be found at (http://www.freecannon.com).
