"Doctor, are you sure I don't have anthrax?" "Absolutely, Mrs. Brimley. It's just the sniffles." "But shouldn't I be under 'round-the-clock isolation and taking antibiotics?" "I was thinking Nyquil."

"Are you sure? My grandson said I could stockpile Cipro over the Internet."

"I wouldn't do that. Now, hold still and let me take your temperature."

"Mzzz rxy xrx thrwwsss! Nvvvsyhv rhgjem hrw?"

"It's normal. Now, what were you saying?"

"I can't sleep at night! I keep wondering where Dick Cheney is. Where are they hiding him? Why won't they tell us?"

"I'm sure he's fine. Let's take your pulse."

"Maybe he has anthrax."

"I don't think so. Hold still while I check your blood pressure."

"But what about all those incidents on the airlines! How do we know they weren't terrorists?"

"One man didn't take his medication. Another was complaining about weather delays. And the three who didn't speak English were trying to get the emergency exit open because they thought it was a window. Hold still."

"So what about this: I went to the drug store to get a gas mask for my cat, but they didn't have any."

"Things are bad enough without getting paranoid, Mrs. Brimley. Remember that Y2K thing when you bought all the Spam?"

"But they won't even show bin Laden on TV now! What if I miss something?"

"Sounds like a good idea. Why don't you turn off the set and take a walk?"

"Not without my hazardous biochemical suit!"

"Hop up on that scale for me, Mrs. Brimley. Let's check your weight."

"I even skipped Geraldo one night and switched over to Cheers. But that got depressing because Frasier looked so young."

"You've gained 50 pounds since last week."

"I overeat when I'm stressed. Do you think I should learn Arabic?"

"You should calm down. Everyone's being careful. Just don't overreact."

"So why did Bush slam the lid on classified information? What does he know that we don't?"

"That those guys in the media are a bunch of blabbermouths. Here, I'm going to give you something."

"One of those secret wonder drugs to ward off the plague?"

"A tranquilizer."

"All right, so explain this: Why won't they tell us when the Emmys will be back? What are they hiding?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe Ellen Degeneres has anthrax."

"I don't think so. Here, open wide and say 'aaaah.'"

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and (http://www.wgnradio.com).

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