All right! Wow! Ha ha. What a great-looking audience. My name is Hill Larrius, and it's great to be here in Vegas! Whoo!
Hey, what's up with these crazy presidential candidates? We have this McCain guy for the Republicans, right? Now, I'm not gonna say he's old, 'cause he really didn't fight in the Civil War, right? Hell no! He was already way too old for that war, see? Ha ha ha.
Then over here we have this Democrat, Obama, who keeps promising change. So if we elect him president, we'll have change, right? Like he'll raise our taxes and all we'll have left in our pockets is change. Ha ha ha! Ooooh. Hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger here.
So what's to know about this election? You want old you vote for the old guy. You want change you vote for the change guy. Baddaboom! Easy! Ha ha!
But wait! We have these other guys. They're called ... they're called ... late to supper, I don't know. Ha ha ha. No, they're called Liberians or librarians or maybe vegetarians. Ha ha, that's good. The Vegetarian Party. Vote for Mr. Potato Head! Ha ha ha. The vice presidential candidate is Carrot Top! Yeah! And the environmentalist secretary will be the Jolly Green Giant. I'm like a sesame seed, folks, I'm on a roll! Who do we want for the agriculture department? Huh? You know the name! He's another really old guy. Everyone calls him Pop. Ready? Pop Korne, ladies and gentlemen. Ha ha ha.
But they need to balance the administration, right? Give it a little diversity. So they'll get this gay Irish Catholic dude for a presidential advisor, okay? You know who I mean. Cal O'Flower. Get it? Cal O'Flower. Ha ha ha.
And then if this party gets into office they'll name Colonel Mustard as secretary of defense. But he's flatulent, right? Mustard gas! Ha ha ha! But then there'll be this really big scandal that'll hack off the Liberian Party and the Librarian Party. Here's the headline in the Washington Post. Ready? "Murder Solved! Colonel Mustard Killed the Liberian in the Library with an $800 Defense-Industry Wrench!
Ha ha Ha ha! You're a great audience!
But, hey, forget the Vegetarians. That other party, they're called Libertarians. So what's up with that?
Well get this. They say they want to give us freedom.
Freedom? Well, duh! We already have freedom, right? I mean, we're the freest people on earth, right? We do whatever we want. Am I right? Yeah! We want to start our own business all we do is ask the government for a truckload of forms. Nothin' to it! We want to drive a car we go down to the DMV and beg for a permission slip. Right on! Want to help the poor? We're always free to have our taxes raised. Again! See? We want to retire we just have the government force all those young people to work harder and longer and pay more taxes. Cool!
So who needs Libertarians? Like, we're free to consume what we want so long as it doesn't violate national health-care laws, like anything that gives us heart disease, raises our blood pressure or our cholesterol level or our calorie intake or our government-mandated Body Mass Index or isn't above or below our government recommended daily allowance of anything and doesn't contain polyunsaturated fat or tobacco or marijuana or speed or alcohol or raw milk products or not enough red wine to prevent coronary heart disease or too much red wine that exceeds the arbitrary government stipulated blood alcohol level because then they'll boot our butts behind bars whether we're actually drunk or not!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
So forget the Libertarians! Forget the Liberians and the librarians and the Vegetarians. Forget the Republicans and Democrats, too.
Vote for the Environmentalist candidate with a real politician's name - Cow Patty!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! You're a great audience! Good night! Ha ha ha!
Garry Reed is a longtime advocate of the libertarian philosophy of non-coercion that espouses personal autonomy and individual responsibility, civil rights and economic liberty, maximum freedom and minimum government. His Web site is FreeCannon.com.
