"Hello again everyone, and welcome to another edition of Blowhard Roundtable, the in-your-face cable news talkfest where the participants aren't afraid to make waves, take on the tough issues, and say inane things on national television. I'm your host, Lane Wilcox, and it's time to say hello to tonight's panel of rabid quasi-experts. First, here's the president of the Conservative Research Center for Paranoid Families, Mr. Waldo Cummings. Welcome back, Waldo."
"Nice to be here, Lane. I say, right to life and execute everybody else. And both Clintons should be sitting in a jail cell right now."
"And joining us from Northampton, Massachusetts, the executive director of Americans Concerned About the Way Things Are Going, Ms. Patricia Hines-Babcock. Welcome to Blowhard Roundtable. May I call you Patty?"
"Absolutely not. And I'd better warn you, we're gonna bash George Dubya and those troglodytes who stole the White House for the next four years, so get comfortable. Hi, Mom."
"Fair enough. All right, controversy number one. Officials of the Tampa Police Department reportedly saw an opportunity during Super Bowl XXXV to 'surveil' tens of thousands of potential lawbreakers by scanning the faces of everyone who went through the turnstyles and then comparing digitized images with pictures of known fugitives, terrorists, and other public enemies. As a matter of fact, there were several matches, although they were minor. But civil liberties advocates say it's a slippery slope down the Fourth Amendment. Waldo?"
"Poppycock and hogwash. You're trying to catch murderers, armed robbers, tax cheats. I say, why not put up cameras everywhere? If you've got nothing to hide, what's the problem?"
"Citizens have a right to attend an adolescent display of contact-sport violence without being spied on. It's bad enough they take your picture at cash machines."
"All right, let's go to the phones. Fred from Wisconsin."
"Yeah. I heard the computer screwed up on this scanning thing and they accidentally arrested two hot dog vendors and one of the coaches."
"Don't know. Pasadena, California. Go ahead."
"Super Bowl? I'd love to go to the Super Bowl. But you know what? I got blown out of my dot.com job and now I'm living with my parents again. So scan the whole bunch and throw 'em in the slammer. Serves 'em right."
"Hey, do you guys know the difference between an economic downturn, a slowdown, and a stall? Me and my buddy got a bet going."
"Hang on for a second. But first, it's time for tonight's Lightning Round question. Here it is: Should Ralph Nader be apprehended and forced to stand trial? Patty, you go first."
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