"Pray tell us, Mullah, what is the latest unacceptable response to our Taliban's belligerent rhetoric and empty offers of negotiation by the evil, decadent, Allah-hating, women-loving American devils and their blonde-haired, suit-and-tie-wearing imperialist European allies and our rainy-day-Muslim turncoat-Arab former friends?" "The microphones are off, Mullah Omar. The press conference isn't 'til later."

"Oh, sorry. So what did the Yanks say?"

"No dice."

"Damn. I was hoping we could stall them."

"Me too, but I think the jig is up."

"How can they expect me to keep a repressive, reactionary regime like this going when everybody's saying bad things about us?"

"Tough break. Even the Iranians are complaining, and they're almost as crazy as we are."

"Traitors to our perverted Islamic fundmentalism, all of them! And what do the Americans say about proof of Osama bin Laden's guilt?"

"That he's a disgruntled Saudi millionaire who sneaks around our country with an armed guard and computer equipment, hiding out in caves. What's he doing if it isn't running a terrorist network?'"

"And what did you tell them?"

"That we think he's a geologist."

"They weren't buying?"


"Damn! And what about our line of bullshit that we don't know where he is?"

"They didn't fall for that either. I told them we did our best, putting out a bulletin for anybody matching his description."

"'Skinny guy, long beard, turban ... .'"

"Right. But since that matched everybody between here and Karachi, we couldn't round them all up on such short notice."

"But we must protect bin Laden! He is a hero to insane extremists everywhere, a symbol in the fight against rich Westerners and their sinful modern ways."

"Plus, we need all that money he gives us from speculating on the stock market."

"Boy, do we. Can't we come up something that sounds good in a press release? How about this: The world should respect our alternative religious beliefs."

"Even after we bulldozed all those Buddhist shrines?"

"Oooh, almost forget about that. Well, what else did the Americans say?"

"That we act like Nazis, kill innocent people, and treat women like animals."

"But it is God's will! Straight from the Koran."

"You sure? I couldn't find any of that stuff the other night."

"Maybe I read it in a magazine somewhere. Doesn't matter. We have to maintain our crippling hold on power any way we can."

"But how, Mullah Omar? We are surrounded, and they are closing in fast."

"Our intelligence people said so?"

"No, I was watching CNN."

"I thought I told you television was forbidden."

"Sorry. I just wanted to see if they mentioned us on West Wing this week."

"Mullah! Look out the window! The Americans are starting to drop something from their airplanes."

"Bombs? Excellent! That will confuse our people and rally them against the invaders."

"No, I think it's humanitarian relief supplies."

"Damn! They have outwitted us again."

"Excuse me, Mullah Omar. Bin Laden is on the phone, and it doesn't sound good."

"What do you mean?"

"He's calling collect."

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and (http://www.wgnradio.com).

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