"...you see, here in the 21st century, the television viewer has an incredible number of choices. There's cable TV, satellite TV, on-demand TV ? not to mention exciting new digital advancements like HDTV. But our market research found that despite all those wonderful possibilities, what consumers really want to see on TV is someone who's not lying."
"Gosh, where can they find that?"
"Exactly. And that's why we think we have a hit on our hands with TTTTTV."
"'Tell the Total Truth Television.' Brand-new technology, very cutting-edge. We feed the standard broadcast signal through a special filter which converts the spin, rhetoric, half-truths, and outright lies into the real deal. We're talking state-of-the-art infotainment here."
"Wow! Does it really work?"
"Judge for yourself. Here's a tape of those Senate Judiciary hearings. See if you can spot the difference."
"...now, Senator Ashcroft, I understand that you're a right-wing, Bible-thumping, Pentecostal zealot, correct?"
"That's right, Senator Kennedy. And I believe you're a left-wing, booze-guzzling, libertine, if I'm not mistaken."
"Exactly. Which is why I find it hard to believe that you don't drink, smoke, or gamble."
"Not only that, my religion prevents me from driving off a bridge with my girlfriend in the car."
"Oh yeah? You people are so far out you don't even dance, do you?"
"That's right, Ted. It's a lifestyle you might check into, unless you're going for the Most Bloated Senator award. Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You look like the body that washed up on the beach in Cast Away."
"At least I didn't accept a degree from some college that didn't even allow interracial dating. Or tell some southern magazine that all those slave-holding Confederates were 'patriots.' What's your favorite movie? Gone With The Wind?"
"Only the first half. And what's yours? Lost Weekend'?
"I'll ask the questions here, padre. So let's get this straight. You really expect us to believe that you'd enforce all the nation's laws, even though you don't agree with any of them?"
"So help me God."
"What is this, a trick? Do you have the real John Ashcroft tied up in back or something?"
"Nope. I'm just flexible."
"How did the Bush people wind up with you, anyway? I can't believe you were their first choice."
"Second. They couldn't spell 'Racicot.'"
"So you wouldn't try to overturn Roe v. Wade?"
"Everyone knows I'm as honest as the day is long."
"Which day is that, the one up at the Arctic Circle?"
"Excuse me, Senator. I read somewhere that you actually favor carrying concealed weapons."
"Are you carrying one right now?"
"One more pushy question, pal, and you're going to find out."
"Wow! This TTTTTV is great! You have any more tapes?"
"Not yet, but we're working on it. We ran Clinton's last speech through the filter, but it came out blank."
"How about Bush's inauguration?"
"We're crossing our fingers."
Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.