Dwayne Johnson, Mark Wahlberg, and Anthony Mackie in Pain & GainPAIN & GAIN

In Pain & Gain, the witty, savvy, almost perfectly pitched new release by Michael Bay, Mark Wahlberg plays a dimwitted personal trainer who decides he'd rather steal than pursue the American dream, and - .

Yes, I just used "witty," "savvy," and "almost perfectly pitched" to describe a Michael Bay movie. Trust me, you're not as shocked as I am.