All right! Wow! Ha ha. What a great-looking audience. My name is Hill Larrius, and it's great to be here in Vegas! Whoo!

Hey, what's up with these crazy presidential candidates? We have this McCain guy for the Republicans, right? Now, I'm not gonna say he's old, 'cause he really didn't fight in the Civil War, right? Hell no! He was already way too old for that war, see? Ha ha ha.

Then over here we have this Democrat, Obama, who keeps promising change. So if we elect him president, we'll have change, right? Like he'll raise our taxes and all we'll have left in our pockets is change. Ha ha ha! Ooooh. Hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger here.

The recent Saddleback Civil Forum on the Presidency was a wash. Both candidates, who claim to be Christians, spent much of their time pandering to the nearly 3 million television viewers who tuned in. But in terms of what presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama had to say, their responses were largely lacking in content.

Illinois Senate President Emil Jones has never been fully appreciated as a legislative leader. Jones, who announced his retirement last week after years at the helm, has a manner of speaking that leads far too many people to assume that he is not intelligent.

There once was a proper young English miss named Alice Pleasance. She, according to Lewis Carroll biographers, was the real-life inspiration for a fictional Alice who tumbled down a rabbit hole and commenced a tour of a riotous realm called Wonderland.

During her wanderings, she encountered an egg named Humpty Dumpty and came away with a memorable sound bite.

Declaimed Mr. Dumpty, "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."