(click)
"...you're watching MSNBCNN.com, where our catchy graphic shows that both presidential candidates are scheduled to make a statement at 9pm Eastern Time tonight, just a few minutes from now..."
(click)
"Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Count Me In

"All right. Here we go again."
"Ready?"
"Yep."
"One for Gore-Lieberman."
"Gore-Lieberman. One."
"One for Bush-Cheney."
"One for Bush-Cheney. Got it."
"One for Cheney, but not Bush.

(rrrrring)
"Hello?"
"George? It's Al."
"Al? Al who?"
"Get off it, Junior. It's Al, the next President of the United States, that's who."
"In your dreams, Poindexter.

"Vargon, the Imperial Council is ready to hear your report on the progress of intergalactic colonization project HMX-2528."
"Thank you, Comrade Expletivios. Good morning, distinguished members of the Imperial Council.

"Boss, we're getting sued."
"Sued? Who'd sue ABC?"
"It's in the papers. Listen to this. 'A federal judge will rule shortly on whether the hit television program Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? discriminates against the hearing-impaired and those who can't use touch-tone telephones.

Q: I'm so mad at all them media for making fun of the Miss America pageant. I been watching it for a real long time and I sure do like the good, clean, family entertainment, especially that part where the girls come out half-naked in their bathing suits.

"Hello everyone, I'm Jim Lehrer, although my accent makes that rhyme with 'Berra,' as in Yogi Berra. And if you think that's confusing, wait until you watch the rest of this cockamamy debate, which is supposed to convince America that these guys are the best choices available, instead of just two bozos put up by the power elite.

Just Say No

"Welcome back to 60 Minutes IX. Next up: There's been a lot of discussion recently about the lack of a prescription-drug plan for Medicare, and why necessary medicines have gotten to costing so darned much.

"Hello, everyone. It's your beloved national icon and TV best friend Oprah again! I'm back with another entertaining yet relevant show that the whole country will be talking about next week. As you know, the two major presidential candidates were my guests recently and all of us came off pretty lame.

Whazzup

Bobby Knight addresses a joint session of Congress.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I could say a lot of things right now. I could say, 'You won't have old Knight to kick around anymore.' I could say, 'Well, there's $500 in yoga lessons down the drain.

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