Castaways

"Well, Wilson, another day here in paradise, eh? Nothing but sand, palm trees, and the occasional hurricane to liven things up. So, how long's it been now, do you remember? No, of course you don't. I keep forgetting you're a volleyball.

"Hello again, Comrade Ivantyutubuzzoff."
"Shhhhh! Keep your voice down! And remember, call me Brad."
"What are you so jumpy about? Were you up late drinking that pepper vodka again?"
"Nyet.

Fake!

"I always said that moon landing was a phony."
"What moon landing? Two more, will ya, Mike? And a coupla Slim Jims."
"You know, that whole thing where they were supposed to land on the moon and then walk around and hit golf balls and stuff.

Court TV

"Oyez, oyez, oyez. All persons having business here, give your name to that guy in the khaki pants. The rest of you, rise and shine. This court is now in session, Judge Kenesaw Mountain John Landis presiding. First case: Stacey Stillman v.

"Hello again everyone, and welcome to another edition of Blowhard Roundtable, the in-your-face cable news talkfest where the participants aren't afraid to make waves, take on the tough issues, and say inane things on national television.

What's On

8:56 a.m. Network headquarters.
"Good morning, everyone. Turn off your cell phone and take a seat. Now, I won't beat around the bush. Our programming is getting creamed by everything, including village board meetings.

"...you see, here in the 21st century, the television viewer has an incredible number of choices. There's cable TV, satellite TV, on-demand TV ? not to mention exciting new digital advancements like HDTV. But our market research found that despite all those wonderful possibilities, what consumers really want to see on TV is someone who's not lying."


"Gosh, where can they find that?"


"Exactly. And that's why we think we have a hit on our hands with TTTTTV."


"TTTTTV?"


"'Tell the Total Truth Television.' Brand-new technology, very cutting-edge. We feed the standard broadcast signal through a special filter which converts the spin, rhetoric, half-truths, and outright lies into the real deal. We're talking state-of-the-art infotainment here."


"Wow! Does it really work?"


"Judge for yourself. Here's a tape of those Senate Judiciary hearings. See if you can spot the difference."


"...now, Senator Ashcroft, I understand that you're a right-wing, Bible-thumping, Pentecostal zealot, correct?"


"That's right, Senator Kennedy. And I believe you're a left-wing, booze-guzzling, libertine, if I'm not mistaken."


"Exactly. Which is why I find it hard to believe that you don't drink, smoke, or gamble."


"Not only that, my religion prevents me from driving off a bridge with my girlfriend in the car."


"Oh yeah? You people are so far out you don't even dance, do you?"


"That's right, Ted. It's a lifestyle you might check into, unless you're going for the Most Bloated Senator award. Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You look like the body that washed up on the beach in Cast Away."


"At least I didn't accept a degree from some college that didn't even allow interracial dating. Or tell some southern magazine that all those slave-holding Confederates were 'patriots.' What's your favorite movie? Gone With The Wind?"


"Only the first half. And what's yours? Lost Weekend'?


"I'll ask the questions here, padre. So let's get this straight. You really expect us to believe that you'd enforce all the nation's laws, even though you don't agree with any of them?"


"That's right."


"C'mon, seriously?"


"So help me God."


"What is this, a trick? Do you have the real John Ashcroft tied up in back or something?"


"Nope. I'm just flexible."


"How did the Bush people wind up with you, anyway? I can't believe you were their first choice."


"Second. They couldn't spell 'Racicot.'"


"So you wouldn't try to overturn Roe v. Wade?"


"Nope."


"Promise?"


"Everyone knows I'm as honest as the day is long."


"Which day is that, the one up at the Arctic Circle?"


"Excuse me, Senator. I read somewhere that you actually favor carrying concealed weapons."


"That's right."


"Are you carrying one right now?"


"One more pushy question, pal, and you're going to find out."


"Wow! This TTTTTV is great! You have any more tapes?"


"Not yet, but we're working on it. We ran Clinton's last speech through the filter, but it came out blank."


"How about Bush's inauguration?"


"We're crossing our fingers."



Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.

"Marta! Where are you?"
"In the kitchen, Senora Chavez. I am making a pitcher of piña coladas and cooking up a dish of ropa vieja."

"English, Marta! Always speak English!"

"Sorry.

"Hello everyone. This is Bob Costas again, looking younger than ever and coming to you live from Washington, D.C., where the country is turning on the juice and getting it done ? inaugurating its 43rd president with four days of pageantry and pathos, played out against the colorful backdrop of an historic, even legendary, city. And joining me here in the broadcast booth is the man who brought 280 million people to their grateful feet just by being such a good sport. Our soon-to-be-former vice president, Al Gore."


"Thanks, Bob. It's great to be here in our nation's capital with so many wonderful Americans wearing casual clothes."


"Well, let's give our viewers a taste of the festivities in store for them here at 'Inauguration 2001.' The big parade, of course, starts right after the oath-taking ceremony."


"Right, Bob. And the Republican theme sounds like one I might have chosen myself? 'Diversity: It's Pretty Neat!' There are also floats representing every race, creed, color, and national origin, even the ones who voted for me."


"Do you have a favorite float?"


"I do. It's the one that sprays orange juice at the crowd while it plays a tape of Anita Bryant singing, 'Come to the Florida Sunshine Tree.'"


10:20AM, PRESS CONFERENCE


"Can you give us details of all the inaugural festivities?"


"Okay, but first we'd like to point out that despite all the parties, dinners, concerts, marching bands, and coffee receptions, the president-elect is having only nine official inaugural balls, versus President Clinton's 14."


"How much did all this cost?"


"I'm afraid that information is classified."


"Can you give us a hint?"


"Put it this way. We pretty much used up that tax cut thing."


11:00AM. INSIDE THE PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE


"Billy Boy, if it weren't traditional for the incoming president and the outgoing president to ride to the ceremony together, I'd rather treat Dick Cheney for a snakebite than be in the same car with you."


"Relax, Dubya. As a member of the lucky sperm club, this is the closest you'll ever get to real greatness. Now, about that pardon. I was thinking that, just as a gesture of goodwill, you might want to?"


"Not a chance, Mr. Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy! Bad enough that you already pardoned everybody but Charles Manson. Now you pull this last-minute stuff with the forests."


"Couldn't let you turn the last frontier into telephones and toothpicks."


"Listen, Mr. Rhodes scholar. You're not the only one with a college degree. I went to Yale and Harvard."


"Oh yeah? Then why couldn't you come up with your own cabinet?"


"A lot of the people on our previous-administration short list turned out to be dead."


1:30PM. SWEARING IN


"Ready?"


"Yes, Mr. Chief Justice. But I was wondering if, instead of the Bible, I could take the oath on this copy of How to Profit from the Coming Recession. You know, just for good luck."


"I suppose so. All right, repeat after me. 'I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do solemnly swear?'"


"I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do?"


"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I thought we were swearing in your father again."


"No, he retired. But I'm sure gonna call him every day."


"Hold on! Bait and switch! The deal's off!"


"Deal? What deal?"


"That vote-counting in Florida. All right, everybody. We've been thinking things over and we're going to take one more look at those ballots before we commit to anything."


"No! You can't do that!"


"Yes, we can!"


"No, you can't!"


"Yes, we can."


"No!"


"Yes!"


"No!"


"Yes!"




"Al, Al, wake up!"


"Whaatt? Oh, I must have been dreaming."


"Well, wake up. It's time to get ready."


"Ready?"


"You have two grand openings today, plus that taping of Hollywood Squares."


"Today? I thought that was next week."


"They moved it up. Gilbert Gottfried called in sick."

Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com. Coming soon: newsjunkie.net.

(The FCC said recently that TV networks should have identified the White House as a sponsor when anti-drug messages ran in prime-time scripts. Here's the original story from last January.)
TO: Skip Kovacs, VP/ Network Operations
FROM: J.

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