" ... so as White House chief of staff, I want to congratulate you all again on a very successful week. The country's united behind us, we're hitting our military objectives, and even that old smallpox vaccine might still be good.
"All right, let's everybody finish up their Krispy Kremes and settle down. This session of the Joint Congressional Subcommittee in Charge of Hammering Out This Damn Airport Security Mess will now come to order."
" ... what I'm asking, Professor Fleezner, is how people can watch this horrific news all day long and not get depressed?"
"Oooh, good question. Well, to start with, they should definitely buy my book, because on page 13 there's a little self-affirming song they can sing to themselves.
"Pray tell us, Mullah, what is the latest unacceptable response to our Taliban's belligerent rhetoric and empty offers of negotiation by the evil, decadent, Allah-hating, women-loving American devils and their blonde-haired, suit-and-tie-wearing imperialist European allies and our rainy-day-Muslim turncoat-Arab former friends?"
Wednesday afternoon, just a week and a day after the Tuesday when everything in America changed, I was walking through downtown Chicago, trying to catch a train. I was hurrying to pick up my daughter from school, and it was starting to drizzle.