Thanks A Lot

Near Plymouth Rock, 1621.
"Look, Running Deer is coming! And he seems to be out of breath. Running Deer, what news have you brought?"
"Greetings, Bald Eagle. I [cough] have just [cough, cough] come from the European visitors and [cough, cough, cough]..."


"What is the matter with you, Running Deer?"


"My lungs are killing me. [cough] The medicine man Black Feather told me to inhale the burning leaves of a tobacco plant, but it doesn't seem to be helping."


"Well, sit down here and tell the tribe what our visitors from across the ocean want from us now."


"I spoke to Governor Bradford–"


"That shifty-eyed Caucasian! Never trust anyone whose first name is 'Governor.'"


"Standing Bear is too suspicious of these pilgrims. They come only for religious freedom."


"Don't be taken in by their pious ways, Sitting Duck! Do you forget that they said they would go back home next spring? Mark my words, we will rue the day that boat showed up."


"So what did they want, Running Deer?"


"To invite us to some sort of dinner."


"What, seriously?"


"That's what they said."


"They must be up to something."


"Sounds like the time they gave spirits to Runs Like the Wind and Drinks Like a Fish, then tried to buy the Eastern seaboard."


"What sort of dinner does Bradford have in mind?"


"A feast of thanksgiving, he calls it. They're so relieved that they survived the winter, they're throwing this big party."


"I knew it! We'll never get rid of them now. And another thing. What are these fire sticks they shoot? They're going to kill someone if they're not careful."


"They're called guns, Standing Bear – get with the 17th century. And they're a lot better to hunt with than throwing rocks at a turkey's head."
"They want us to dress up for this dinner."
"Meaning what?"
"They don't want us to show up naked. They seem to be a very shame-based people."
"Those prissy pumpkin-washers! They have a lot of nerve telling us what to wear. What's up with those hats with the buckles?"
"I'm not getting a rash from some stupid loincloth just to break bread with those turistas."
"I think we should go just to see what they're up to. We can feed them wild turkeys so they become sleepy after dinner, then go through their pockets."
"White Rabbit is right. Why not have some sport with these trespassers? Let's give them some mincemeat baked in a pie."
"That stuff made of bear grease we put on burns? Red Fox has a devilish sense humor!"
"Uh oh – here they come now."
"Shhh! Don't look like we were talking about them. Welcome, pilgrims!"
"Greetings, savages."
"We will be honored to join your feast of thanksgiving."
"We are glad to hear it. There is a proposition we would like to talk over, and we have some very valuable beads to show you. By the way, do you have any more of that tobacco?"

Copyright 2000 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and wgnradio.com.

Count Me In

"All right. Here we go again."
"Ready?"
"Yep."
"One for Gore-Lieberman."
"Gore-Lieberman. One."
"One for Bush-Cheney."
"One for Bush-Cheney. Got it."
"One for Cheney, but not Bush.

No matter how you cut the cards, the presidential election was a statistical dead heat nationwide. So the ballot problems in Florida are but a microcosm of what has occurred in many other states.
The real question becomes what can Americans expect from either candidate once he takes office.

(rrrrring)
"Hello?"
"George? It's Al."
"Al? Al who?"
"Get off it, Junior. It's Al, the next President of the United States, that's who."
"In your dreams, Poindexter.

"Vargon, the Imperial Council is ready to hear your report on the progress of intergalactic colonization project HMX-2528."
"Thank you, Comrade Expletivios. Good morning, distinguished members of the Imperial Council.

The sad truth is that there is no surplus in our national budget. For the two presidential candidates to play that card is wholeheartedly deceitful. We have a national deficit that continues to grow. In 1998 it amounted to $5.

Our thin-skinned County Supervisors can tolerate no opinions but their own.
Their October 24 gang reply to my criticism of their wasteful spending
habits raises more questions than their misleading assertions answer.

In communities across the nation, there is a growing concern that current development patterns are no longer in the long-term interest of our cities, existing suburbs, small towns, and rural communities. Though supportive of growth, communities are questioning the economic costs of abandoning infrastructure in the city, only to rebuild it further out.

"Boss, we're getting sued."
"Sued? Who'd sue ABC?"
"It's in the papers. Listen to this. 'A federal judge will rule shortly on whether the hit television program Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? discriminates against the hearing-impaired and those who can't use touch-tone telephones.

In the October 4 issue of the River Cities' Reader (#291), you printed a letter from Karl J. Rhomberg, a Democratic Party candidate for the Scott County Board of Supervisors, that was critical of a decision we made concerning the lease of office space for Juvenile Court Services.

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