Is Your Inner Child Keeping You Trapped in a Bad Relationship?

5 Questions to Ask Yourself; The Answers May Help Set You Free

It happens when we see politicians repeatedly make the same self-destructive mistakes - think former legislator Anthony Weiner's repeated sexting scandals.

Or we hear friends complain repeatedly about the horrible job they're "stuck" in.

Or, in a rare glimmer of insight, we wonder why we're still hanging on to a "romance" that makes us miserable.

"When people seem mentally healthy and it looks like they could easily make a change that would make them happier, we're absolutely baffled by why they don't," says Steven Jay Fogel (www.StevenJayFogel.com), author of the new book Your Mind Is What Your Brain Does for a Living (March 2014).

When you're the "stuck" person, the why may seem more evident: You're scared, or you think, "If I just keep doing the right things, it will all work out."

Either way, it's likely they?and you?aren't making a conscious choice at all, Fogel says.

"We think we're making decisions based on the present, but we're usually not. We tend to operate on automatic pilot, responding to situations based on the coping strategies and thinking patterns we developed in childhood," he says.

"When those strategies are dysfunctional, we just keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again."

The good news is that we can learn to recognize that "default" thinking and rewire the brain to change it, says Fogel.

The cofounder of Westwood Financial Corp., one of the nation's leading private commercial real estate owners, Fogel draws from decades of neuroscience and mindfulness research to offer solutions.

What can you do to get yourself unstuck? Get started, he suggests, by answering these questions?in writing!

· What is causing your pain? Think about whether you're in a relationship or job that's become less and less satisfying and increasingly painful over a long period. Describe in writing the elements of the relationship or situation that are persistently causing you pain and how long you've been experiencing these problems. Knowing that there are three ways to end your suffering - accept the situation, change it, or remove yourself from it - write down the reasons you're staying even though you're suffering and what is preventing you from choosing Door 1, 2 or 3.

· How are you interpreting your partner's behavior? If you repeatedly fight about the same issues, describe the issues. Think about whether you're unconsciously investing the issue with a meaning based on your "autopilot" thinking. For instance, if you're arguing because your partner's messy and ignores your requests to be neat, are you interpreting that as disrespect toward you? Do you further interpret that disrespect as a lack of love for you? Is it possible that your partner is just not a neat person and that has nothing to do with his feelings for you?

· Do you have impulsive autopilot behaviors that are causing problems? We can often check the impulses that stem from our autopilot brain just by stopping to think before we act. Bursts of anger are one example; suppressed anger that turns into passive-aggressive behavior is another.

· Do you feel shamed or blamed by your partner's critical comments? Write down the comments accurately?as they were spoken. Then think mindfully about whether your partner was really shaming you or if you interpreted the comments in that way because of your own inner critic. If it was the former, have a conversation with the person about how you feel when this happens, and state that you'll be more open to the feedback if the criticism can be expressed objectively.

· Did you bring a myth with you into the relationship? If so, describe the myth. For example, you might have believed that you will cure everything that's wrong with the other person. Or that she will fix all of your problems. Describe how you came to believe that myth and what it would take for you to release it.

About Steven Jay Fogel: Steve Fogel is a principal and cofounder of Westwood Financial Corp., one of the largest owner-operators of retail properties in the United States. He is a licensed real estate broker and past chairman of the California Arts Council. Your Mind Is What Your Brain Does for a Living, publishing March 11, 2014, is his third book. He is also the author of My Mind Is Not Always My Friend: A Guide for How to Not Get in Your Own Way (Fresh River Press, 2010) and The Yes-I-Can Guide to Mastering Real Estate (Times Books-Random House).

Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa, ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee and co-chairman of the Senate Caucus on International Narcotics Control, today made the following comment on observations from a top official at the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) that state efforts to fully legalize marijuana are "reckless and irresponsible." The observations from James Capra, chief of operations at the DEA, came at a drug caucus hearing this week in response to a question from Grassley.

"The comments from this top DEA official echo what I've been hearing in Iowa.  Law enforcement officers in Iowa are reporting increases in marijuana coming to Iowa from Colorado. The Obama Administration's decision not to prioritize the prosecution of the large-scale trafficking and sale of marijuana for recreational use in Colorado will contribute to these problems.  The latest national survey of teen-agers shows high rates of marijuana use and an increase in the number of students who don't view regular marijuana use as harmful.  Meanwhile, in Iowa, marijuana was involved in one-fifth of all drug-related emergency room visits in 2011.  I appreciate the challenges facing law enforcement in dealing with the mixed messages on marijuana being sent by the Obama Administration and some states."

With millions of people newly covered by health insurance, and 11,000 more becoming eligible for Medicare every day, more people will be visiting doctors and hospitals.

And while that's a positive, patient advocate Ruth Fenner Barash warns that the U.S. health care system is not always the benevolent safety net many people believe it to be. It can be abusive, incompetent, callous toward patients - and worse.

"Patients and their loved ones cannot blindly turn themselves over to this massive, technology-based system and trust that it will care - or take care of them," says Barash, who shares lessons learned from extensive health-care experiences in a new book, "For Better or Worse: Lurching from Crisis to Crisis in America's Medical Morass," (http://forbetterorworsebook.com/).

Her cautionary tale traces the long medical journey her husband, Philip, endured with her as his advocate. She discovered mismanagement and excess, useless interventions and a sometimes complete disregard for pain - even when there was no hope of healing.

"I learned a great deal from our experience, and with so many people now gaining access to health care, I want others to benefit from what I've learned," she says. "You can navigate the system; you just have to know how."

Barash offers these suggestions for patients and their loved ones, whether it's a trip to the doctor for a checkup or a diagnosis of a catastrophic illness.

• Avoid the emergency room - for your own sake. Emergency rooms were developed with the idea that few people would use them - most people would see their physician. But as health care costs rose, they became a primary care facility for those without insurance or the money to pay for services out of pocket. "Patients and their families were not expected to spend a long time in the E.R. - presumably, they would be seen quickly and either admitted to the hospital or treated and released - so they're not designed for comfort," Barash says. "They've become very crowded, especially in cities, and patients might wait for hours sitting in hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. For someone who's sick or injured, this can be torture."
Sick people usually are not isolated, so waiting rooms also teem with germs, she notes.

• Be skeptical - question everything. Too often, we take the first thing we're told as gospel, Barash says. "If you have the luxury of time, take some of that time to think things through, to research and get second opinions," she says. Research your physician's connections. When you're referred to a specialist, ask why that particular person. If you live in an area with a large academic community, ask around about the physicians and health-care providers with the best reputations. Who has the most experience in a particular niche? Who's doing the most promising research? How many times have you performed this procedure and what is your success rate?

• Ask what it costs - no matter who's paying. Our health-care system is absurd in the number of useless consultations, diagnostic procedures and interventions it foists on patients, Barash says. Whether our hospital bills are fully covered by Medicare, Medicaid or private insurance, or we're paying a portion ourselves, we must all include cost in our discussions with health-care providers. "Part of the blame for having the most expensive health-care system in the world goes to us, the individuals, who don't question purchases or shop for prices as we would for groceries, clothing, or furniture," Barash says.  "If a test or consultation is ordered, understand why. Is it really necessary? You can say no!"

Finally, Barash says, we all must come to terms with the fact that death is a given.

"My husband's problem, and the problem many of us may be doomed to face, is the seemingly endless getting there - a dying we don't want."

About Ruth Fenner Barash

Ruth Fenner Barash studied philosophy at City College of New York and did graduate work at the University of Chicago. In 1958, she met and married Philip Barash, a private practice attorney. She went on to work in public relations and real estate, served education and civic organizations at the executive level, and taught art in various media. Her long marriage was a "harmonious adventure" despite the couple's treacherous journey through the health-care system. Her husband died in 2012.